Recoil's bumper joke pack
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
I can do the heavy lifting and the wanking, but wont generally kill any spiders.
Unless they are absolutely where they'r not suposed to be then sometimes i will, but i always do it quick and (relatively) painlessly.
Does this in fact infer that women are inferior wankers?
I just know im gonna take flack for that too.
Unless they are absolutely where they'r not suposed to be then sometimes i will, but i always do it quick and (relatively) painlessly.
Does this in fact infer that women are inferior wankers?
I just know im gonna take flack for that too.
I just know I posted that against my better judgement
I can see this thread rapidly spiralling down into the murky depths of pubescent humour
I can see this thread rapidly spiralling down into the murky depths of pubescent humour
Subject: Essex girls
A Dagenham 'bird' goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children"
"10"
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and ..
Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Nnaah..." says the Dagenham bird "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS
READY' or 'WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NAAAAAH!!!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy" says the Dagenham bird............................."I
just use their surnames".
A Dagenham 'bird' goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children"
"10"
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and ..
Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Nnaah..." says the Dagenham bird "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS
READY' or 'WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NAAAAAH!!!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy" says the Dagenham bird............................."I
just use their surnames".
Here we go again
A young brave was being inducted through his manhood ceremony to join the warriors of the tribe. He was faced with 3 tents. In the first one was a gallon of plum wine, which he had to drink in one gulp. In the second was a mountain lion with toothache, he had to remove the painful tooth. In the third was a woman who had never had an orgasm, etc, etc.
He entered the first tent, and after a while staggered out, very drunk, holding the empty wine barrel. The warriors all applauded.
He staggered into the second tent with the tribe all holding their breath. There were terrible screams and growls, which got worse and worse as time went on, culminating in such a loud shriek that the tribe were all convinced he must be dead.
But finally he staggered out, bruised and bleeding, and said, ..."Now take me to the woman with the toothache..."
A young brave was being inducted through his manhood ceremony to join the warriors of the tribe. He was faced with 3 tents. In the first one was a gallon of plum wine, which he had to drink in one gulp. In the second was a mountain lion with toothache, he had to remove the painful tooth. In the third was a woman who had never had an orgasm, etc, etc.
He entered the first tent, and after a while staggered out, very drunk, holding the empty wine barrel. The warriors all applauded.
He staggered into the second tent with the tribe all holding their breath. There were terrible screams and growls, which got worse and worse as time went on, culminating in such a loud shriek that the tribe were all convinced he must be dead.
But finally he staggered out, bruised and bleeding, and said, ..."Now take me to the woman with the toothache..."
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her!
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her!
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan not stupid - check for bees."
"Tarzan not stupid - check for bees."
At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing." She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought you said 'fuck or drown'!"
A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa"answered Jimmy.She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!"
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big-brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big-brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch."
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city. Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."