Recoil's bumper joke pack

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A Woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you give head?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw! I'll do any and everything you sexually desire!!" she screamed in panic.
The man replied, "Slut," and dropped her.
 
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms
on the shelf. Frustrated, he finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist looks at it, smacks down another five dollars, unzips his pants, lays his penis across from the deaf mute's member, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
 
A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog don't talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
 
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil...
THE DEVIL: Why so glum?
GUY: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
THE DEVIL: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... You a drinking man?
GUY: Sure, I love to drink.
THE DEVIL: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer....we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
GUY: Gee that sounds great.
THE DEVIL: You a smoker?
GUY: Yes
THE DEVIL: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares? you're already dead.
GUY: Wow!
THE DEVIL: I bet you like to gamble.
GUY: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
THE DEVIL: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose your shirt...who cares! GUY: Amazing!
THE DEVIL: You into drugs?
GUY: You don't mean...
THE DEVIL: Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. Who cares...you're dead!
GUY: I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
THE DEVIL: You gay?
GUY: No.
THE DEVIL: Ooooh - you're not gonna like Fridays....
 
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife. T
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."
Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?... My word, she's fainted!
 
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
 
There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple!"
 
Malindy Malindy fell way down deep in love With a mountain boy she knew.
But it was quite the proper thing As she was mountain too.
She hastened home to tell her Pap That shortly she would wed
One likely Mr. Rufus Brown, When Pap looked up and said,
No, honeychile, you cain't do that You'll have to find another.
Don't tell your Ma but Rufus Brown Is sorta your half-brother.
Malindy shed a few tears and slowly went her way
And soon she met another boy And hastened home to say,
Now, Pap, I'll marry that Smith boy Who lives on down the street.
He ain't got no bad habits And he dresses mighty neat.
But Pap, he slowly shook his head, And looked across to Mother
And whispered now, you cain't do that.
That Smith boy's also your half-brother.
Then Malindy, she forgot her oath And blurted out to Mother
Pap says I cain't marry Rufus Brown Cause he's my half-brother.
Then when I loved that Bobby Smith, Although it sounds like treason,
Pap says I cannot marry him For just that same old reason.
Then Ma says, Honeychile, don't cry. Put on your weddin' cap
And marry either one you want. You ain't no kin to Pap!
 
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Breast fed" she says. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor orders. She does. He presses, kneads and pinches both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he says, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk." "Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt. But I'm glad I came."
 
A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes around, and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Get me a whiskey, bitch."
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whiskey, bitch."
Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking, returns shortly a with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it!"
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out.
The parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy bastard!"
 
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her lightly on the top step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I sort of figured that we was friends."
 
English lessons 1

Women's English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
 
English lessons 2

Men's English

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(While shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.