Recoil's bumper joke pack

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The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will
explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving patient a blow-job "Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA."
 
Australian lexicon

Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast
food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it
suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Back End of the Batmobile: The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat
a really hot curry. "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last
night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like
the back end of the Batmobile."

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after
a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live,
how you get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
a forethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually brought
by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that
arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his
girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently,
wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you
get when abroad.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her
Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used
when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly
different.

Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of
her nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy: or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply
staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Hefty Cleft: or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large
vagina.

McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week
in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: a bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!
Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in
the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before
you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter
in your bed instead.

NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.
The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she's got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail: or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover
their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
 
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they know that
they are in love. One day they decide they want to get married, so
Little Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Little
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in
love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Little Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little Johnny
replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie
makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little Johnny has
put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come
up with something that Little Johnny won't have an answer to. After a
second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you
have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your
own?" (He doesn't know Little Johnny as well as we do, eh?)

Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay,
I'll just keep rear-ending her for now..."
 
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a milliondollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potential and realistic?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."
 
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does
his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he
kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes
back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a
chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig,
so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick
the cow so, for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then his
father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into
the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and
says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?
 
The Loving Wife:

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he
started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping
the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of
Morpheus.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme
exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out
upon waxed paper on the kitchen table - were hundreds of his favourite
chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes,
he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was
already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit
at the edge of the table when his wife suddenly smacked it with a
spatula "F**k off", she said, "they're for the funeral!"
 
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad
steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance
soars. They win the county and state championships and
are favoured to win the national competition easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and
says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on
my chest."

"What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does the
hair go?"

She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the
second thing I wanted to talk to you about."

:rofl:
 
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show
me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it
goes on. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "Your
finger is broken."
 
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive
looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him
back to her place "for a coffee".When they get to her flat she tells him to
help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable....

......Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress
returns wearing only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"
Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck,
so he says: "I really fancy a 69".....
"F**k Off" replies the girl.....
"I'm not cooking at this time of night."


:D
 
The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.
"Give us the money," they shout at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."
"Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne.
"Give us yer jewels."
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching.
"Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover at least," and with that the robbers drove off.

As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen. "What did you do with all the cash you had ? You're always loaded."
"Ah", says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have."
Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes.
"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear," the Queen says to Anne.
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have."

Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne, "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."

:P
 
Quick thinking


Best Comeback Line Ever
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white
male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior,
public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County
courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a
pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and
squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I
thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on
to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin
that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual
situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to
(Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on
to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up
and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a
pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and
then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it
midnight already?"
 
A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day, lamenting
the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing
he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program.
"Guaranteed my arse!", he thinks to himself, "but let's see what they
think they can do".

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight
loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Well, without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his wicked way
with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the
waythis company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows
up, and the same thing happens each time.


On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10
pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to
mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes
to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds
in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their
"workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it, there stands a 22-year-old drop-dead gorgeous female, dressed in
nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself
as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can
catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape, and it
takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp
and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....

For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself
and,unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he
thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so
much fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you
sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous
program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this
good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically
answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a
man dressed in nothing but racing spikes, nipple clamps and a sign around
his neck. The sign reads, "If I catch you, your sweet arse is mine !"
 
Tall Tale


Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends.
They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy

One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped
into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his
friend, the chicken, to save him.

The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to
the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csiBMW. Luckily, the keys
were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put
it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost
disappeared by now.

The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other
end around the front legs of the horse.

The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.
Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety.
The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"
The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!"

They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A
few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some
muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the
sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the
chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its
neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped.

The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had
gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and
spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down
right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will
pull you to safety!"

With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big
horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from
its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.

The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my
life,myfriend!!"

The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story?

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

:)
 
Ever considered the diffs, Men v Women

WOMEN:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing
that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their
softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for
their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the
loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think
there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic
evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colours
and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins.

They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they
care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support
to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a
smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.


MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff, killing spiders and wanking.


:P
 
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