Okies everybody, this thread is for humour and not needless spamming. Please respect this or I will admin your ass!
Recoil's bumper joke pack
- Thread starter Recoil
- Start date
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat.
The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,
"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy
"you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery
and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding,
in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,
"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy
"you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery
and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding,
in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
Out on a farm lived a farming couple with there three kids, aged 9, 10, and 11.
As means for farming they have one cow, and that is their only resource.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find their only cow is dead.
She, not knowing what she'll do without the cow for money, shoots her self in the head.
Then the husband wakes up to find the wife and the cow dead.
He, left with only his three children, so he offs himself.
Then the eldest boy wakes up, sees his two parents dead,
and the cow, with only his two brothers remaining.
Not knowing what to do, he went to the river,
in order to drown himself when he sees a mermaid.
She goes to him and says, "I am sorry about all your losses,
and can bring back each and every one of them to you,
if you do something for me." What is that he asks?
" Screw me 10 times." After 5 times, the mermaid says,
"sorry, your just not fulfilling my sexual pleasures."
And she drown him in the river.
Then the youngest brother wakes up, when he sees his dead parents and cow,
he too goes to the river, where he sees his dead brother.
He is about to drown himself, when he sees the sam mermaid,
who in turn says the same thing, as to the older brother,
but this time, 20 time. He agrees, and after 15 times,
the mermaid says, "I'm sorry, but you just aren't filling my sexual pleasures."
So she drowns him in the river. Then the same thing happens to the youngest brother,
the only one still alive, and when he sees the mermaid at the river, she says,
"I'm sorry for your losses, but I can bring them all back to life, if, and only if...
you screw me 30 times." And the boy says, "30, hell why not 35?"
With that the mermaid says," hey, why don't we shoot for 40?"
And the boy answers, "oooh, that's how I killed the cow!"
As means for farming they have one cow, and that is their only resource.
One morning, the wife wakes up to find their only cow is dead.
She, not knowing what she'll do without the cow for money, shoots her self in the head.
Then the husband wakes up to find the wife and the cow dead.
He, left with only his three children, so he offs himself.
Then the eldest boy wakes up, sees his two parents dead,
and the cow, with only his two brothers remaining.
Not knowing what to do, he went to the river,
in order to drown himself when he sees a mermaid.
She goes to him and says, "I am sorry about all your losses,
and can bring back each and every one of them to you,
if you do something for me." What is that he asks?
" Screw me 10 times." After 5 times, the mermaid says,
"sorry, your just not fulfilling my sexual pleasures."
And she drown him in the river.
Then the youngest brother wakes up, when he sees his dead parents and cow,
he too goes to the river, where he sees his dead brother.
He is about to drown himself, when he sees the sam mermaid,
who in turn says the same thing, as to the older brother,
but this time, 20 time. He agrees, and after 15 times,
the mermaid says, "I'm sorry, but you just aren't filling my sexual pleasures."
So she drowns him in the river. Then the same thing happens to the youngest brother,
the only one still alive, and when he sees the mermaid at the river, she says,
"I'm sorry for your losses, but I can bring them all back to life, if, and only if...
you screw me 30 times." And the boy says, "30, hell why not 35?"
With that the mermaid says," hey, why don't we shoot for 40?"
And the boy answers, "oooh, that's how I killed the cow!"
Subject: How to install software
"How to Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Ed Bott (from his new
book, "Ed Bott In Cyberspace")
Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
says : LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter
agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement
that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of
the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right
to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the
user's underwear drawer ifwe feel like it, take it or leave it, until death
do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders
keepers, losers weepers,...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),
please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
honest:
+-----+ +------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-----+ +------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories
, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them
with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
"fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If
you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait
on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-
by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
"How to Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Ed Bott (from his new
book, "Ed Bott In Cyberspace")
Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
says : LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter
agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement
that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of
the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right
to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the
user's underwear drawer ifwe feel like it, take it or leave it, until death
do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders
keepers, losers weepers,...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),
please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
honest:
+-----+ +------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-----+ +------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories
, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them
with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
"fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If
you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait
on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-
by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
WIFE 1.0 SOFTWARE ALERT!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product
information.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5
and Motorcycling 5.4 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I
can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help !!!!
REPLY
Dear Troubled User:
This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is
due to a primary misconception generally amongst male users. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that is merely a Utilities
and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run
everything ! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete
or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go
back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this.
Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings -
Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I
suggest you install the background application "C![:\](/images/smilies/submitted/smark/ohwell.gif "Oh Well :\")
YES DEAR" to alleviate
software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that
you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)."
You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur,
regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The
best course of action is to enter the command "CAPOLOGISE". Avoid excessive
use of "CYES DEAR" because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE
command before the system returns to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, CookIt
1.5 (which replaces BurnIt 1.0), Trash 4.0 and Do Bills 4.2.
You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens,
the only way to improve performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
WARNING!!!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This
application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product
information.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5
and Motorcycling 5.4 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I
can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help !!!!
REPLY
Dear Troubled User:
This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is
due to a primary misconception generally amongst male users. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that is merely a Utilities
and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run
everything ! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete
or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go
back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this.
Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings -
Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I
suggest you install the background application "C
YES DEAR" to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that
you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)."
You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur,
regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The
best course of action is to enter the command "C
APOLOGISE". Avoid excessive use of "C
YES DEAR" because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system returns to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, CookIt
1.5 (which replaces BurnIt 1.0), Trash 4.0 and Do Bills 4.2.
You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens,
the only way to improve performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
WARNING!!!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This
application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage
to the operating system.
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor
tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's
nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty
scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go
ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner, he starts
feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly
unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No
sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table,
grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend
sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She
says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse!"
tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's
nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the
muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty
scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go
ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner, he starts
feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly
unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No
sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table,
grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend
sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She
says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my arse!"
hmmmm i fail to see any jealousy here.....
but thanks for that gem of general advice enig.....
in a survey we did 8 of ten forum readers thought enig's
jokes were pants.
sorry m8 you cant argue with the statistics
but thanks for that gem of general advice enig.....
in a survey we did 8 of ten forum readers thought enig's
jokes were pants.sorry m8 you cant argue with the statistics
I reckon m8, u should take the 8/10 and be thankful...if a real survey was carried out, i dunno if u'd fair so favourably 
