2.photographer? shoot/develop/dry ?
4. Coal ?
5. Yesterday/Today/Tomorrow
6 got any e's
not worked out 3 yet
4. Coal ?
5. Yesterday/Today/Tomorrow
6 got any e's
not worked out 3 yet
Lets Have A Joke Thread
- Thread starter Ðeadßoy
- Start date
-
Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . .
look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now,
don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"
his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . .
look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now,
don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"
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A guy walks into a pastry shop in the Bahamas.
"How much for the Boston Creme?" he asked.
"$8" replied the clerk behind the counter.
"How about the French Silk?"
"$7.50"
"Ok, how much for the Apple Chess?"
"$9"
What was this man doing?
"How much for the Boston Creme?" he asked.
"$8" replied the clerk behind the counter.
"How about the French Silk?"
"$7.50"
"Ok, how much for the Apple Chess?"
"$9"
What was this man doing?
He was looking for the Pie rates of the Caribbean
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."
A 5 yr. old and a 4 yr. old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5 yr. old, "I think its about time we start swearing."
The 4 yr. old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
"OK." The 4 yr. old says with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 yr. old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have the Cheerios."
Whack!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mom looks at the 4 yr. old and asks in a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
The 4 yr. old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
"OK." The 4 yr. old says with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 yr. old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have the Cheerios."
Whack!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mom looks at the 4 yr. old and asks in a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
HUEY said:Simon???
Yes mate. I do loiter and spam every now and then. I've tried palying on occasioins but then remember I'm rubbish and this makes me sad.... then I remember I've always been rubbish which makes me sadder.... then I remember that so have you which cheers me up a little... then I remember we are all out of cupcakes and I get sad again..... then I just blame it on the boogy.... and everything is okay.
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Johnny) raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Johnny) raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
