Lets Have A Joke Thread
- Thread starter Ðeadßoy
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman go for a sauna.
After a while there was a jingle sort of noise and the Scotsman adjusts his specs and explains that he has just had a text that through the wonders of modern technology appeared on the inside of his lenses for him to read.
A few minuits later there is i ringing noise and the Englishman presses his finger in his ear and speaks. He explains that he has just taken a phone call through his hard wired phone in his ear.
The Irishman not to be outdone slips off to the lav returning with toilet roll hanging from his arse explaining, "I've got to run, I've got a fax comming through".
After a while there was a jingle sort of noise and the Scotsman adjusts his specs and explains that he has just had a text that through the wonders of modern technology appeared on the inside of his lenses for him to read.
A few minuits later there is i ringing noise and the Englishman presses his finger in his ear and speaks. He explains that he has just taken a phone call through his hard wired phone in his ear.
The Irishman not to be outdone slips off to the lav returning with toilet roll hanging from his arse explaining, "I've got to run, I've got a fax comming through".
So these two hunters are out in the woods, right? And suddenly, one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
..
CBA to check the 20 thousand pages to see what ive missed ..... so the 1st one is for you boys the second one I like 
Dan the rooster was the biggest meanest rooster in the world. He spent all his time beating up all the other animals on the farm. One day he picked on teh farm cat who proceeded to kick the shit out of him, which just proves -
IT DOESNT MATTER HOW BIG THE COCK THE PUSSY CAN TAKE IT !!
Dan the rooster was the biggest meanest rooster in the world. He spent all his time beating up all the other animals on the farm. One day he picked on teh farm cat who proceeded to kick the shit out of him, which just proves -
IT DOESNT MATTER HOW BIG THE COCK THE PUSSY CAN TAKE IT !!
WIFES PRAYER -
When i lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man whos not a creep
One whos handsome smart and strong
one whos willy is thick and long
One who'll screw me til my bodys twitchin
in the hall the garden or kitchen
I pray that this man will love me no end
and never attempt to shag my best friend
Then as i kneel and pray by my bed
I look at the wanker you sent me instead
When i lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man whos not a creep
One whos handsome smart and strong
one whos willy is thick and long
One who'll screw me til my bodys twitchin
in the hall the garden or kitchen
I pray that this man will love me no end
and never attempt to shag my best friend
Then as i kneel and pray by my bed
I look at the wanker you sent me instead
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!
Well, not jokes, but puzzles:
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that havent eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. Im curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Last one is old, but give em a shot
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that havent eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. Im curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Last one is old, but give em a shot
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax".
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed,
"...we'll put all these Frosties back in the box".
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax".
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed,
"...we'll put all these Frosties back in the box".
