Lets Have A Joke Thread
- Thread starter Ðeadßoy
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing on the war in Iraq.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh No!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up with a puzzled look on his face, and asks, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh No!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up with a puzzled look on his face, and asks, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
A guy is in line at the supermarket, when he notices that a very sexy Blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
So, he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher.
So, he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher.
I went into our new local last night and they have this marvellous robot barman! After serving me my drink, he asked what my I.Q was. I said it was 150, so he starts chatting about global warming, Iraq and other worldly subjects.
I thought he was brilliant, so I went out and came back in. This time when he asked my I.Q. I said it was 100! He then launched into a conversation about football, darts and suchlike. I decided to try him out again, went out and back in. This time I said my I.Q. was 'Duh...50'
He then asked me very slowly, 'Are - you - going - to - vote - for - Blair - again - then?
I thought he was brilliant, so I went out and came back in. This time when he asked my I.Q. I said it was 100! He then launched into a conversation about football, darts and suchlike. I decided to try him out again, went out and back in. This time I said my I.Q. was 'Duh...50'
He then asked me very slowly, 'Are - you - going - to - vote - for - Blair - again - then?
Robots always get the dates for Christmas and Halloween confused.
They keep stating that 31OCT is the same as 25DEC
They keep stating that 31OCT is the same as 25DEC
There has just been a VICKS tanker crash & spill the contents on the M8, police are optimistic that the congestion will clear quickly.
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife so much that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife so much that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby" He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby" He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet £50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty quid.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another £50 to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a £100."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna to fuk it!"
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty quid.
Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another £50 to the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a £100."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna to fuk it!"
