Lets Have A Joke Thread

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2 men sat at the bar in the pub in manchester.

One of them asks the landlord for a gin & tonic in an quaint, softly spoken irish accent. The other bloke picks up on it, and tries to strike up a conversation with him.

"Howdo pal, you're not from round here, are you?" the local comments.

"No, I'm not, I'm from Ireland, I'm over here doing a bit of business, but I'm having trouble finding my way around" the reply came.

"Oh, what line of work are you in?, I might be able to help you out" he enquires politely.

The Irishman then says "My name is Arty, I'm a hitman, I'm contracted by others to eliminate spouses, rivals troublemakers etc, pleased to make your aquaintance"

The loacal man sits up suddenly, all interested.

Anyway, they get talking, and the local fella offers him all sorts of help trying to find his way round.

After a couple of hours, Arty decides it's time for him to move on and make contact with his client, but before doing so, he thanks the kindly local for his hospitality, and asks the man if there's anything he could do in return, just ask.

So....


"Well" he says, "I have been thinking of getting rid of my wife, she's a constant pain, always nagging me, always belittling me, making me feel truely worthless, could you get rid of her for me?"

Arty says "Sure, you've been very acommodating to me today, the least I can do, is return the favour. My normal rate is £100 per target, but seeing as it's you, I'll do it for £1"

The local is overjoyed by this, and accepts it.

"First, I need to know where she'll be tomorrow, what time she'll be there, and what she'll be wearing, you just leave the rest up to me"

So he tells Arty that every day at 1PM, his wife does her shopping at Sainsbury's, and every time she does, she wears her lucky red hat, as she's very superstitious, then gives him £1 out of his pocket.

"Naturally, due to the secrecy of my line of work" Arty explains "after I leave here, you'll never see me again, but you will know that your wife is dead by checking the news on Sky or BBC, if she's dead, it will be on there at some point"

So, with that, they both shake hands and depart.





Next day.

Arty, true to his word, is on his way to Sainsbury's and gets there at 12.55PM, 5 minutes before the local mans wife is due to arrive. He makes sure his gun is loaded and ready to go, then walks inside and waits.

Sure enough, at exactly 1PM, a woman fitting the local mans wifes description, complete with lucky red hat walks in, picks up a trolly, and winds her way through the aisles.

Arty, the surpreme killing machine that he is, hones in straight away, walks up behind her, takes his gun out, points it at the back of her head, then pulls the trigger....



OH NO!!!!

The gun jams, leaving it completely useless.

In a state of sharp, quick thinking, he puts the gun away, takes out a piece of twine and proceeds to strangle the woman. She struggles for a few seconds, then slumps to the floor dead.

Arty calmly puts the twine back in his pocket, and makes his way towards the door, only to be passed by another woman, also wearing a red hat. He thinks to himself "What if I've killed the wrong woman?"

He concludes that his honour and reputation requires that all traces of doubt must be removed from the equation, and decides that he must kill this second woman too.

Like the first, he stalks her into an aisle, whips out the twine, and strangles her as well.

This time, he makes a hasty retreat for the door. As he's running across the car park, he sees yet another woman in a red hat, putting groceries into her car. As with the first and second women, he convinces himself that he must terminate this target as well, to make absolutley sure that he has killed the right one.

So, out comes the twine for a 3rd time, he creeps up behind the woman just as she's about to get in her car, wraps it round her neck, then throttles the life out of her.

Once she's stopped twitching, he relaxes his hold on the twine, slips it in his pocket, and drives off in her car. Not long down the road, the police pull him over for erratic driving and arrest him. In his pockets, are 1 gun, 1 piece of paper with the details of the target on it, one piece of blood-stained twine, and 1 ID card with his name (Arty O'Hare) and picture on it.




Meanwhile, the man is sitting at home waiting and wondering if his wife will return. Hours go by, and there is no sign of her.

The man then remembers the instructions to check if she's dead or not.

He turns the TV on, switches to BBC news24, nothing on there. Then he switches to Sky News.

There it is!!!

There is a huge commotion going on, and he recognises that it's his local Sainsbury's store. He's still a little unsure about it all, then the headline comes up.....















Arty chokes 3 for £1 at Sainsbury's
 
At a nursing home in the new forest, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully
 
A plane was about to leave an airport, when two men walked onto the plane. One was carrying a walking stick used for the blind, and another was being ushered by a guard dog. The two men were blind, and they were dressed in pilot and copilot suits. A couple of the passengers started to laugh, thinking it was a cruel joke by the airline. The pilot and copilot went through the pilot's door, and the plane started moving. The passengers were starting to get a bit worried, but they still thought it was a joke. The plane started to move, and the passengers just assumed the men weren't really blind. The plane started to move down the runway. The plane was about to reach the end of the runway, and the plane wasn't taking off! The passengers started to scream, praying for their lives, when the plane lifted off the ground at the last second. The copilot turned to the pilot, and said

"You know, one of these days, the passengers aren't gonna scream, and then we'll be in real trouble."
 
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
 
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times.
His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there.

The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?”
Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack.
He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”
 
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
 
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found your replacement."
 
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'
 
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