Joke Time

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A couple of Redneck hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :D
 
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them shagging your mother after I'm gone!"
 
A man was sat in casualty when a bloke sat down next to him.
"Holy sh*t, mate, what happened to you?"
The mans head was the size of a pea.
"It's a long story", he replied.
"Well go on then, we've got a long wait".
"Well, I was feeling pretty low this morning so I went for a walk
along the beach when i found a lamp sticking out of the sand.
I picked it up and wiped off the sand, when whoosh, this cracking
blonde piece appeared!
"I am the genie of the lamp and for setting me free I can grant you
three wishes!"
"Ok then I said, I have always wanted my own yacht.
Yazzam, there it was sitting tied off the beach.
"Wow, thats amazing, ok how about a million pounds?"
Yazzam, there it was in a nice leather case there in
front of me.
"Ok then, for my last wish, how about me and you get it on down?"
"I'm sorry but sex with genies is strictly forbidden!" she said.
"Alright, howz about a little head then?"
 
On a Transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular starts to lose it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young
to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I
want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of
sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well, I’ve
had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
“I can make you feel like a woman,”
he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair
and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest
as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the
trembling woman.

Then he whispers, “Iron this.”
 
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