Lets Have A Joke Thread

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An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000... . . please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap".
 
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fukin wall!"
 
my 1. joke in here...:rolleyes:


Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his
standard response of reassuring her that wasn't the case, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her
breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the
years?"

















































































He shrugged and said, "Worked for your ass didn't it?"
 
• On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

• On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

• On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

• On the bottle-top of a (U.K.) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

• On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

• In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

• On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

• In some East African countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

• On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

• On a Sears hair dryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

• On a bag of Walkers crisps - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

• On a bar of Dove soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert, (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

• On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

• On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

• On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

• On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?)

• On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

• On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

• On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
 
man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."


I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."


"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."
 
More stolen material....


I married Miss Right - I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They Want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful
 
Australian Customer Relations

Three Aussie tourism staff have been recently reprimanded for their responses to email tourist questions - wonder why?

1.Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2.Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3.Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

5.Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6.Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: Hey, what did your last slave die of?

7.Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9.Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11.Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12.Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14.Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15.Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16.Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17.Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18.Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes, like taipans, blacks & adders, are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19.Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and scratch & bite anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine, purchased at the pharmacy, before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21.Q: Will I be able to speek (sic) English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client."

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
 
Groaners


HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro cinco.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.

11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.

12. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.

17. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKY DIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

19. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

20. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

21. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Either way, somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
 
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch
patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander.

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect
me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."
 
A bloke was walking down the street in Belfast late one night when a hooded figure leaped out of the shadows and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Are you a Protestant or a catholic?" the gunman demanded.
"Neither" the terrified bloke replied. " I'm Jewish".
"Oh boy!" the gunman exclaimed." I must be the luckiest Arab in Northern Ireland!"
 
A priest took a walk to the pier down by the lake.
A fisherman asked him if he would like to join him in his boat.
The priest agreed and they rowed out to the middle of the lake.
The priest threw in a line and in no time hooked a huge fish.
"Whoa," said the fisherman, "look at that f*cker!".
"Please do not swear", said the priest.
The fisherman thought quickly and said that the fish was in actual fact called a f*cker fish.
"Oh" said the priest, "I'm sorry, I didn't know that".
When they reached the shore, the priest took his large fish to show the bishop.
"Look at this f*cker", said the priest and the bishop frowned.
"It's alright", said the priest, "that's what the fish is called".
"Well", replied the bishop, "in that case, I'll clean the f*cker and we can have it for dinner tonight".
The bishop then cleaned the fish and brought it to the Mother Superior.
"Sister", said the bishop, "could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?"
"Goodness", exclaimed the Mother Superior, "such foul language".
"No sister", he explained, "the fish is called a f*cker. Can you cook it?"
"Yes", replied the sister, "I'll cook the f*cker tonight".
Later that evening the Pope dropped by for dinner and after dinner asked where they had gotten the fish.
"I caught the f*cker", said the priest proudly.
"I cleaned the f*cker", said the bishop.
"And I cooked the big f*cker", beamed the Mother Superior.
After hearing this the Pope paused for a moment, fixing them with a steely gaze and then let out a huge fart, took off his hat, put his feet on the table, lit up a fat cigar, poured himself a large whisky and said, "You know what, you c*nts are alright!!!"
 
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you
open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their
organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."
 
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so
the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus
said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it
ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No,
it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a*seholes."

"What, he had two a*seholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into
town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two
a*seholes...."


:)
 
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

Err u turned that around DB...it was actually a kiwi ventriloquist that went to Australia...but anywhere in the UK would work too
;) ;)
 
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