rofl @ these jokes.....i know some good jokes but my english is too bad and u wouldnt understand anything
PS: lo all DaRk aka SeXy m8s
Lets Have A Joke Thread
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rofl @ these jokes.....i know some good jokes but my english is too bad and u wouldnt understand anything
PS: lo all DaRk aka SeXy m8s
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results.
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs
to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test
shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs
to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test
shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
Gerrard Houlier was looking to sign some new players to
help Liverpools title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to
search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18
year old striker and immediately signs him on a 3 year deal. On getting
back to England, Gerrard takes one look at him in training and immediately
puts him in the starting line up for the big home game against Arsenal.
The
new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as
Liverpool romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his
mum
to tell her the good news.
"Mum" he says "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team
loves
me, the fans love me and the press loves me. Life is great!"
"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you.
Shall I tell you what happened to us today?.
Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and
beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of
killers".
"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry"
"Sorry?", She yells down the phone, "You're f*cking sorry? It's YOUR
f*cking fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!!"
help Liverpools title push, so he sent his chief scout to Afghanistan to
search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18
year old striker and immediately signs him on a 3 year deal. On getting
back to England, Gerrard takes one look at him in training and immediately
puts him in the starting line up for the big home game against Arsenal.
The
new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as
Liverpool romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his
mum
to tell her the good news.
"Mum" he says "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team
loves
me, the fans love me and the press loves me. Life is great!"
"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you.
Shall I tell you what happened to us today?.
Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and
beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of
killers".
"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry"
"Sorry?", She yells down the phone, "You're f*cking sorry? It's YOUR
f*cking fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!!"
Originally posted by Bossk
slim your jokes own
ffs pull yerself 2gether and get ur tongue outta his arse
Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo.
He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship.
The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching!
The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
this one is 4 scrote
cause star told me if scrotes dick was 1\2"longer itdd be round
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be £3,500 for "small," £6,500 for "medium," and £14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather have a fitted kitchen."
cause star told me if scrotes dick was 1\2"longer itdd be round
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be £3,500 for "small," £6,500 for "medium," and £14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather have a fitted kitchen."
heres a short 1 then
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? He was half nuts.
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? He was half nuts.
A couple of Rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
Panic-stricken, he says to the operator, "I think Cletus is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot rings out.
The Redneck comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
Panic-stricken, he says to the operator, "I think Cletus is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot rings out.
The Redneck comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned." So, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hookers." The father replied, "That's my boy!"
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'
The difference between bathing suits of Now and Then is that the bathing suits of the past required that you open the suit to see the buttocks. The bathing suits today require that you open the buttocks to see the bathing suit.
Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."