I went undercover in the IAC, posing as smantie in order to conduct some close-to-the-bone interviews with some of its players. Unfortunately there was only one person dumb enough to not immediately see through my disguise, and that person was Morpheus. So here's the interview:
---
smant: Hello, Morpheus
Morpheus: wotcha
smant: Christ. First of all, how did you become involved in the IAC?
Morpheus: hang on shouldnt i like introduce meself so everyone knows who i am an that?
smant: Do you think at this point that that would do any good at all?
Morpheus: prolly not tbh
smant: I''m with you there. Answer my damn question.
Morpheus: right. i got into it to try n help me country get the glory of winning the cup
smant: I see, and how did that work out, bearing in mind that your country, England, had no fewer than four squads?
Morpheus: not that good really
smant: Well, understandably competition to be in England1 was fierce, but surely you were welcome in, for example, England2?
Morpheus: well er...
smant: England3, perhaps?
Morpheus: pfff... urr...
smant: England [sigh] 4?
Morpheus: see the thing is...
smant: Say no more. And so, in a contest entirely based on nationality, you wound up 'captaining' Scotland?
Morpheus: yup
smant: How in the name of Christ in a treehouse did they allow that to happen?
Morpheus: wot, the cup admins?
smant: No, the fkin Scotland squad.
Morpheus: well i just told em id be their leader like
smant: And they all agreed?
Morpheus: well no. but not enough of em disagreed. *cough* on time *cough*
smant: I see. And how much time did you give them, rounded up to the nearest month?
Morpheus: a month id say
smant: And rounded up to the nearest second?
Morpheus: roughly four
smant: Hmm. Hmm. Do you feel that blame for the Scotland squad's ultimate failure could be in any way apportioned to yourself??
Morpheus: wot
smant: Fuck sake. Was it your fault?
Morpheus: na
smant: Na?
Morpheus: na
smant: Na?
Morpheus: na
smant: What, that's it?
Morpheus: ye
smant: Ye?
Morpheus: ye
smant: Care to elaborate?
Morpheus: na im rubbish at dancin
smant: Jesus. No, it means provide further, more detailed information.
Morpheus: k, twnz is a nob
smant: A golden nugget of truth gleams brightly from within a pile of fallacious shite. Anything you want to say to the members of the now defunct Scotland squad?
Morpheus: same time next year fannies
smant: Quite. Do you really think that's likely?
Morpheus: sure why not?
smant: I could answer but I fear we have neither the time nor the forum bandwidth. Incidentally, how would you say you qualified to be the leader of the Scotland team, or even a member of it?
Morpheus: well i was in braveheart innit
smant: Ah. Really?
Morpheus: ye i was the main guy... em... wally willis
smant: Fucking hell. By any chance do you mean William Wallace?
Morpheus: nah there was defnitly a wally in it
smant: Well, you've convinced me. Any other leadership qualifications? True ones?
Morpheus: well my aunties third dog on me dads side was a scottie, so like that makes me a horonany scot like
smant: "Horonany"?
Morpheus: yup
smant: Yes. I'm beginning to understand Scotland's absence from the IAC finals. How would you sum up your leadership of the Scotland team overall?
Morpheus: i wouldnt
smant: No, me neither. Any messages for the leaders of the two teams in the final?
Morpheus: get the fuck on wif it fuck sake
smant: No argument there, but any words of support?
Morpheus: uzi likes the shaft and djs mums a munter
smant: Profound. Well, on that note-
Morpheus: an im pro clanless btw
smant: Are you.
Morpheus: ye
smant: Happy hunting. Twat.
[At this point I vomited, dislodging my smantie wig, dark glasses and false moustache]
Morpheus: fuck sake its useless!
[Morpheus then screamed "oh my days!" and tried to violate me with a tent pole]
---
smant: Hello, Morpheus
Morpheus: wotcha
smant: Christ. First of all, how did you become involved in the IAC?
Morpheus: hang on shouldnt i like introduce meself so everyone knows who i am an that?
smant: Do you think at this point that that would do any good at all?
Morpheus: prolly not tbh
smant: I''m with you there. Answer my damn question.
Morpheus: right. i got into it to try n help me country get the glory of winning the cup
smant: I see, and how did that work out, bearing in mind that your country, England, had no fewer than four squads?
Morpheus: not that good really
smant: Well, understandably competition to be in England1 was fierce, but surely you were welcome in, for example, England2?
Morpheus: well er...
smant: England3, perhaps?
Morpheus: pfff... urr...
smant: England [sigh] 4?
Morpheus: see the thing is...
smant: Say no more. And so, in a contest entirely based on nationality, you wound up 'captaining' Scotland?
Morpheus: yup
smant: How in the name of Christ in a treehouse did they allow that to happen?
Morpheus: wot, the cup admins?
smant: No, the fkin Scotland squad.
Morpheus: well i just told em id be their leader like
smant: And they all agreed?
Morpheus: well no. but not enough of em disagreed. *cough* on time *cough*
smant: I see. And how much time did you give them, rounded up to the nearest month?
Morpheus: a month id say
smant: And rounded up to the nearest second?
Morpheus: roughly four
smant: Hmm. Hmm. Do you feel that blame for the Scotland squad's ultimate failure could be in any way apportioned to yourself??
Morpheus: wot
smant: Fuck sake. Was it your fault?
Morpheus: na
smant: Na?
Morpheus: na
smant: Na?
Morpheus: na
smant: What, that's it?
Morpheus: ye
smant: Ye?
Morpheus: ye
smant: Care to elaborate?
Morpheus: na im rubbish at dancin
smant: Jesus. No, it means provide further, more detailed information.
Morpheus: k, twnz is a nob
smant: A golden nugget of truth gleams brightly from within a pile of fallacious shite. Anything you want to say to the members of the now defunct Scotland squad?
Morpheus: same time next year fannies
smant: Quite. Do you really think that's likely?
Morpheus: sure why not?
smant: I could answer but I fear we have neither the time nor the forum bandwidth. Incidentally, how would you say you qualified to be the leader of the Scotland team, or even a member of it?
Morpheus: well i was in braveheart innit
smant: Ah. Really?
Morpheus: ye i was the main guy... em... wally willis
smant: Fucking hell. By any chance do you mean William Wallace?
Morpheus: nah there was defnitly a wally in it
smant: Well, you've convinced me. Any other leadership qualifications? True ones?
Morpheus: well my aunties third dog on me dads side was a scottie, so like that makes me a horonany scot like
smant: "Horonany"?
Morpheus: yup
smant: Yes. I'm beginning to understand Scotland's absence from the IAC finals. How would you sum up your leadership of the Scotland team overall?
Morpheus: i wouldnt
smant: No, me neither. Any messages for the leaders of the two teams in the final?
Morpheus: get the fuck on wif it fuck sake
smant: No argument there, but any words of support?
Morpheus: uzi likes the shaft and djs mums a munter
smant: Profound. Well, on that note-
Morpheus: an im pro clanless btw
smant: Are you.
Morpheus: ye
smant: Happy hunting. Twat.
[At this point I vomited, dislodging my smantie wig, dark glasses and false moustache]
Morpheus: fuck sake its useless!
[Morpheus then screamed "oh my days!" and tried to violate me with a tent pole]