Educational Thread
- Thread starter DrOoZ
- Start date
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
Q. When do you use whom instead of who?
A. Use who when a nominative pronoun is appropriate, and whom when an objective pronoun is appropriate.
Who is a nominative pronoun (meaning it acts as a subject) and is used:
As the subject of a verb, as in "It was Paul who rescued the dog."
As the complement of a linking verb, as in "They know who you are."
Whom is an objective pronoun (meaning it serves as an object) and is used:
As the object of a verb, as in "Whom did you see?"
As the object of a preposition, as in "That is the group to whom the credit belongs."
Who and whom seem to cause more difficulty than other pronouns. Thus, when in doubt, substitute him and see if that sounds right. If him is OK, then whom is OK. For example: "You talked to whom? You talked to him." It would be incorrect to say "You talked to he," and few native English speakers would make that mistake.
A. Use who when a nominative pronoun is appropriate, and whom when an objective pronoun is appropriate.
Who is a nominative pronoun (meaning it acts as a subject) and is used:
As the subject of a verb, as in "It was Paul who rescued the dog."
As the complement of a linking verb, as in "They know who you are."
Whom is an objective pronoun (meaning it serves as an object) and is used:
As the object of a verb, as in "Whom did you see?"
As the object of a preposition, as in "That is the group to whom the credit belongs."
Who and whom seem to cause more difficulty than other pronouns. Thus, when in doubt, substitute him and see if that sounds right. If him is OK, then whom is OK. For example: "You talked to whom? You talked to him." It would be incorrect to say "You talked to he," and few native English speakers would make that mistake.
Q. Does bimonthly mean twice a month or every two months?
A. Every two months (usually).
Bi- means two, so bimonthly means 'happening every two months' -- but it also means 'happening twice a month'. Another word for the latter is semimonthly.
A. Every two months (usually).
Bi- means two, so bimonthly means 'happening every two months' -- but it also means 'happening twice a month'. Another word for the latter is semimonthly.
Q. What is the plural of virus?
A. Viruses.
It is not viri, or (which is worse) virii. True, the word comes directly from Latin, but not all Latin words ending in -us have -i as their plural. Besides, viri is the Latin word for 'men' (plural of vir, man, the root the English virile). There is in fact no written attestation of a Latin plural of virus.
A. Viruses.
It is not viri, or (which is worse) virii. True, the word comes directly from Latin, but not all Latin words ending in -us have -i as their plural. Besides, viri is the Latin word for 'men' (plural of vir, man, the root the English virile). There is in fact no written attestation of a Latin plural of virus.
Q. How many words are in the English language?
A. About a million, maybe more.
It is hard to see how even a conservative estimate of English vocabulary could go much below a million words. If you allow all of scientific nomenclature, this could easily double the figure. For example, there are apparently some one million insects already described, with several million more awaiting description. The two largest dictionaries each include around half a million words (or lexemes)
A. About a million, maybe more.
It is hard to see how even a conservative estimate of English vocabulary could go much below a million words. If you allow all of scientific nomenclature, this could easily double the figure. For example, there are apparently some one million insects already described, with several million more awaiting description. The two largest dictionaries each include around half a million words (or lexemes)
Q. Where does the phrase "the whole nine yards" originate?
A. It is said to have originated among construction workers
The "nine yards" is said to refer to the maximum capacity a cement-mixer truck can carry -- nine cubic yards of cement.
A. It is said to have originated among construction workers
The "nine yards" is said to refer to the maximum capacity a cement-mixer truck can carry -- nine cubic yards of cement.
Q. Where does the word stat used in hospitals come from?
A. From Latin.
Stat in emergency room language is from the Latin statim, meaning immediately.
A. From Latin.
Stat in emergency room language is from the Latin statim, meaning immediately.
Q. What do you call words that are pronounced the same but have different meanings and/or spellings?
A. Homophones.
Homophones are "one of two or more words, such as night and knight, that are pronounced the same but differ in meaning, origin, and sometimes spelling." There are also homonyms and homographs. Let's explain:
There are around 300 homophones. Examples are ad/add, air/ere/heir/err (though the correct pronunciation of the last word is held to be \ur\, as in further), ball/bawl, and night/knight.
Homonyms are words that have the same sound and often the same spelling but differ in meaning, such as the noun bear and the verb bear.
Homographs are words that have the same spelling but differ in origin, meaning, and sometimes pronunciation.
A. Homophones.
Homophones are "one of two or more words, such as night and knight, that are pronounced the same but differ in meaning, origin, and sometimes spelling." There are also homonyms and homographs. Let's explain:
There are around 300 homophones. Examples are ad/add, air/ere/heir/err (though the correct pronunciation of the last word is held to be \ur\, as in further), ball/bawl, and night/knight.
Homonyms are words that have the same sound and often the same spelling but differ in meaning, such as the noun bear and the verb bear.
Homographs are words that have the same spelling but differ in origin, meaning, and sometimes pronunciation.
More post more
This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee
there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not
have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately
(FOR ONCE the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: ...............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name.................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ............
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19... /.... /.....
4. Serial Number: .......................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate
all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions
about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division
This was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee
there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not
have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately
(FOR ONCE the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: ...............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name.................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ............
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19... /.... /.....
4. Serial Number: .......................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate
all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions
about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION,
Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division
Tube fun... announcements from our much maligned transport system:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
" At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let
the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train
first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers
off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,
see if I care, I'm going home."
Driver:" I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger mas******ing on the train at
Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the
train."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad
news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you
sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.
The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford
and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We
may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get
out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time
if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or
opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors
reopen."Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of
the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of
the doors." The doors close..."Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered
into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but
these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
" At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let
the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train
first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers
off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,
see if I care, I'm going home."
Driver:" I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger mas******ing on the train at
Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the
train."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad
news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you
sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.
The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford
and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We
may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get
out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time
if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or
opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors
reopen."Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of
the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of
the doors." The doors close..."Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered
into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but
these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
Sir - Messrs Bush and Blair might find it interesting to listen to the tape
recording of the grilling of Lt Col Oliver North by a senator during the
Iran-Contra hearing in 1987:
Q "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"
A "Yes, I did, Sir."
Q "Isn't that a little excessive?"
A "No, Sir."
Q "No? And why not?"
A "Because the lives of myself and family were threatened, sir."
Q "Threatened? By whom?"
A "By terrorists, Sir."
Q "By terrorists? What terrorist could possibly threaten you that much?
A "His name is Bin Laden, sir."
Q "And why are you so afraid of this man?"
A "Because, sir, he is is the most evil person alive that I know of."
Q "And what do you recommend we do about him?"
A "Well, sir, if it were up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team
be formed to eliminate him and his group from the face of the earth."
recording of the grilling of Lt Col Oliver North by a senator during the
Iran-Contra hearing in 1987:
Q "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"
A "Yes, I did, Sir."
Q "Isn't that a little excessive?"
A "No, Sir."
Q "No? And why not?"
A "Because the lives of myself and family were threatened, sir."
Q "Threatened? By whom?"
A "By terrorists, Sir."
Q "By terrorists? What terrorist could possibly threaten you that much?
A "His name is Bin Laden, sir."
Q "And why are you so afraid of this man?"
A "Because, sir, he is is the most evil person alive that I know of."
Q "And what do you recommend we do about him?"
A "Well, sir, if it were up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team
be formed to eliminate him and his group from the face of the earth."
Female Guinness Book of Records
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking
spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall
Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at
11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three
feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage
to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as
a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km
(313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the
wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning
two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with
smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the
records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and
the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the
Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday
morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical
dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband,
sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands,
told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99,
only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To
date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when,
starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of
shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days
before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a
jumble sale is 98, at a methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West
Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am,
the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being
killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke
out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full
scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched
Battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the
hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local
boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen
in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and
a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for
coffee, cakes and toilet visits.
Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither
woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for
talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her
neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November
1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an
unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth
remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes
Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was
having an affair with the butcher.
After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began
to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had
told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by
4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local
Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of
American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife.
When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night,
Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was Common knowledge to a staggering 75,338
people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social
Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night
club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree
got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other
members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet
at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37
mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her
husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on
the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her
husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'.
She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before
asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?",
revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record
set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron'
before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty
minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,
48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she
excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her
neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds
without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing.
She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released
later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon,
she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main
points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs.
Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted.
The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible
croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by
vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking
spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall
Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at
11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three
feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage
to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as
a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km
(313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the
wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning
two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with
smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the
records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and
the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st
August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the
Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday
morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical
dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband,
sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands,
told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99,
only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To
date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when,
starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of
shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days
before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a
jumble sale is 98, at a methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West
Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am,
the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being
killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke
out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full
scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched
Battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the
hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local
boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen
in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and
a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for
coffee, cakes and toilet visits.
Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither
woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for
talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her
neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November
1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an
unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth
remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes
Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was
having an affair with the butcher.
After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began
to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had
told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by
4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local
Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of
American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife.
When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night,
Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was Common knowledge to a staggering 75,338
people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social
Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night
club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree
got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other
members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet
at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37
mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her
husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on
the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her
husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'.
She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before
asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?",
revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record
set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron'
before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty
minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,
48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she
excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her
neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds
without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing.
She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released
later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon,
she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main
points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs.
Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted.
The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible
croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by
vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms
f Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a
career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking
book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and
the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the
world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back
together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter
like a screen door in a hurricane Do you think he's
gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a
train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony
and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"
nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under
the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make
the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the
year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have
a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making
low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good
luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's
why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a
career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking
book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and
the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the
world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back
together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter
like a screen door in a hurricane Do you think he's
gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a
train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony
and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"
nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under
the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make
the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the
year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have
a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making
low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good
luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's
why you're getting your ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
1, The bandage was wound around the wound.
2, The farm was used to produce produce.
3, The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4, There is no time like the present, so he thought he would present the
present.
5, When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
6, He did not object to the object.
7, The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
8, The oarsmen had a row about how to row.
9, he was too close to the door to close it.
10, A stag does strange things when the does are present.
11, After a number of injections my jaw became number.
12, The artist saw a tear in his painting and shed a tear.
13, She had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
14, An army chef decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
There are no eggs in an eggplant, no apple or pine in pineapple.
Quicksand works slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
Guinea pigs are neither from Guinea or are pigs.
Why English is the hardest language to learn
----------------------------------------------------------
Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham.
If a vegetarian eats veg, what does an humanitarian eat?
A slim chance and a fat chance are similar.
So are quite a lot and quite a few.
But overlook and oversee are very different.
You fill in a form to fill it out.
An alarm goes off by going on.
when the stars are out, you see their light but when the lights are
out you see nothing.
2, The farm was used to produce produce.
3, The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4, There is no time like the present, so he thought he would present the
present.
5, When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
6, He did not object to the object.
7, The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
8, The oarsmen had a row about how to row.
9, he was too close to the door to close it.
10, A stag does strange things when the does are present.
11, After a number of injections my jaw became number.
12, The artist saw a tear in his painting and shed a tear.
13, She had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
14, An army chef decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
There are no eggs in an eggplant, no apple or pine in pineapple.
Quicksand works slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
Guinea pigs are neither from Guinea or are pigs.
Why English is the hardest language to learn
----------------------------------------------------------
Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham.
If a vegetarian eats veg, what does an humanitarian eat?
A slim chance and a fat chance are similar.
So are quite a lot and quite a few.
But overlook and oversee are very different.
You fill in a form to fill it out.
An alarm goes off by going on.
when the stars are out, you see their light but when the lights are
out you see nothing.
