Darn funny

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Towanda

Towanda

Old ppl dont dodge
Jun 8, 2001
3,364
0
Sweden
Finnish weather

15°C - It doesn't get warmer then this in Finland, so this is where we start; Spanish ppl puts their caps, wintercloatsh and gloves on. Finnish people are sunbathing.

10°C - French people tries to start their central heating in vain. Finnish people are planting flowers in their garden.

5°C - Italian cars refuse to start, Finnish people cruise in their convertibles.

0°C - Destilled water freeze. The water in the Vanda åm (a finnish river) becomes a little thicker.

-5°C - People in California are on the brink of freezing to death. Finnish people are having the last hot dog barbecue before winter arrives-

-10°C - The Englishmen is turning the heat on in their houses. Finnish people start wearing a sweater.

-20°C - Australians flee from Mallorca. Finnish people stop celebrating midsummer festival. Fall have arrived.

-30°C - In Greece people die from the cold and dissapear from the face of the earth. Finnish people start hanging their laundry indoors.

-40°C - Paris craculates in the cold. Finnish peole are in a line up at the hot dog stand.

-50°C - the polar bears start to evacuate the north pole. The finnish army delays it winter survival camp awaiting real winter

-60°C - Korvatunturi (where the Finnish santa lives) Freezes. Finnish people rent a video and stay inside.

-70°C - The fake santa (see -60°C) moves south. Finnish people gets really frustrated since Kossu (Koskenkorva) cant be stored outdoors anymore. The Finnish army start winder survival camp.

-183°C - The mikrobes in food die. The Finnish cows complains the milkers hands feels cold.

-273°C - ALL atombased movement stops. Finnish people say to eachother: "Perkele(finnish curse), today it is cold".

-300°C - Helvetet freezes over. Finland wins the Eurovision song contest.
 
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just got another one, didn't have to translate it either :D

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father
thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
 
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lo m8's can I join the fun :jd:

A redhead, brunette and a blonde were talking about the things they’ve found in their daughter’s rooms. The redhead says, "I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter’s room once—I had no idea she smoked."

The brunette says, "That’s nothing. I found a bottle of vodka—I had no idea she drank."

The blonde says, "I can beat that, I found a condom—I had no idea my daughter had a penis!"


An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you’d like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man." After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

Next the wife came in for her exam. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you’d like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said, "Your husband had an unusual concern—he claims he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old man" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."
 
this is 1 of my favs:

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads: Cheese Sandwich £1.50, Chicken Sandwich £2.50,
Hand Job £10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three
exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she
enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering",
whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes",
she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a cheese
sandwich!"



i think it's funny neways:P
 
:D more from little denmark :beer:

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou and a number written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name and number of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife came up behind him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

The wife said, "Your dog called last night."

:boozer:

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love with a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?"
 
and more from the island :bounce:

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, "Betty, have you ever cheated on me?"

Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, three times."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, remember when you were 35-years-old and you wanted to start a business but no bank would give you a loan? Then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can’t be too upset about that. Well, when was number two?"

"Well, remember when you had that heart attack and needed that very risky operation no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?"

"Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?" "So, all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"



:psycho:

A man went to the doctor and said - "Doctor,
whenever I fart there's no smell". The doctor asked
he man if he could do one there and then,
which the man did, very loudly. The doctor
sniffed a few times, said - "Yes, I think I
know what the problem is", went out of the
surgery for a moment and came back with a very
long stick with a hook on the end. The man became
very frightened and asked - "Doctor,
what are you going to do with that thing?",
to which the doctor replied -
"I'm going to open the damn window!
You've got something wrong with your nose!".
 
just can't stop today :naughty:

A funeral service is being held for a
woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers
are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket
and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place,
and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"watch out for the fucking wall!

:mosher:
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
 
:bah: it just keep comeing today :thumb:

Women especially love a bargain.
The question of "need" is irrelevant,
so don't bother pointing it out.
Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear.
Don't question the racks of clothes
in the closet; you "just don't understand".

Women need to cry. And they won't
do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have
no right answer, in an effort to trap
you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them
and they feel a need to fill it, even if
they have nothing to say.

Women don't need sex as often as men do.
This is because sex is more physical for men
and more emotional for women. Just knowing that
the man wants to have sex with them
fulfills the emotional need.


:bowdown:

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man
cuts a fart and says, "Seven points."
His wife rolls over and says,
"What in the world was that?"
"Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says,
"Touchdown! I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Touchdown, tie score." He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife,
he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man shits in the bed. The wife asks, "What in the hell was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides."
 
:thumb: and here we go on a request made by Lohen :thumb:

Things NOT To Say During Sex


Is it in?
that's it?_
you've got to be kidding me.
(phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
Do I have to pay for this?
Do I have to call you tomorrow?
Oh momma, momma!
You look better in the dark.
This is much better than my last girlfriend.
I thought that goes in the other hole....
Don't tell my wife.
This sucks.
Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
I think you might get the job for this.
Damn! Is that all you know what to do.
Did I tell you, I have herpes?
Hurry up, the games about to start.
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
Are you trying to be funny?
Can I have a ride home after this?
Are those real?

:hump:

Comebacks to Pick Up Lines


Guy: Where have you been all my life ?
Girl: Hiding from you.
Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Guy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Guy: Your place or mine?
Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Guy: So, what do you do for a living?
Girl: I'm a female impersonator.
Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Girl: Do not enter.
Guy: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Girl: Unfertilized.
Guy: Your body is like a temple.
Girl: Sorry, there are no services today.
 
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