The new Bond movie
- Thread starter JACKEL
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why do you keep seeing it, when you rate it just 4/10?
To give it a chance, to see things I missed 1st and 2nd time around, because I love James Bond films and didn't want to be disappointed and just to confirm I'm not being a negative Norman and it really isn't a good film.
It's a bit like returning to the scene of a car crash.
why the fuck do they keep using such fast cuts?
It doesnt even look good. It irritates, confuses and annoys viewers. Also it makes it harder to watch and follow what is happening.
After i saw the first actions sequences in a Bourne movie (as it was broadcasted on TV) i almost had to threw up as soon i saw its hyperactive cutting. Hell, i almost got seasick.
It doesnt even look good. It irritates, confuses and annoys viewers. Also it makes it harder to watch and follow what is happening.
After i saw the first actions sequences in a Bourne movie (as it was broadcasted on TV) i almost had to threw up as soon i saw its hyperactive cutting. Hell, i almost got seasick.
That's sorta what my parents say at normal hollywood movies
eventually they get used to it.. so will we probably
Well i just dont like it and i dont wanna have to to get used to it first to entertain a movie. The modern world is so hyperactive, fast and stressful, no need to exaggerate cutting only because it "looks" modern.
Imo they add action, explosions and fast cutting just to overshadow the poor story and deepness.
There are "slow" movies that are fucking thrilling. So there's no need for such steroid cuts.
Dont get me wrong, i also like movies liek Aliens, Terminator2 and other actions movies, but when i see every second an other camera angle it drives me crazy.
Imo they add action, explosions and fast cutting just to overshadow the poor story and deepness.
There are "slow" movies that are fucking thrilling. So there's no need for such steroid cuts.
Dont get me wrong, i also like movies liek Aliens, Terminator2 and other actions movies, but when i see every second an other camera angle it drives me crazy.
Your a young lad! wait till you reach my age!!!
I didn't get the plot at all...
can't even remember 10% of this shit flick after 4 days. I had more than once the impression, that i must have passed out for 10 minutes, because i didn't understand the current scene or knew the names.
As Sausage said, Bond _is_ about gadgets - where was Q in this movie ?
The new bond seems like a desperate attempt to create a british jack bauer - unfortunately with the same lame plot as the last 2 24 seasons
...
I'm not really into those antique bond-movies as well - therefore my favorite Bond will be Golden Eye.
can't even remember 10% of this shit flick after 4 days. I had more than once the impression, that i must have passed out for 10 minutes, because i didn't understand the current scene or knew the names.
As Sausage said, Bond _is_ about gadgets - where was Q in this movie ?
The new bond seems like a desperate attempt to create a british jack bauer - unfortunately with the same lame plot as the last 2 24 seasons
...I'm not really into those antique bond-movies as well - therefore my favorite Bond will be Golden Eye.
Mhm. Saw it somewhere last week. I dunno. It was a really good action film that's for sure, But I wouldn't call it a great bond film..too much missing for me, tho I'm not hardcore a fan enough for me to say I liked the film less, I still missed some stuff ^^
oh and at times I too could hardly follow what was going on (scene when tehy're hanging from the ropes lalal, 270 diff camera views in about 20 seconds.
oh and at times I too could hardly follow what was going on (scene when tehy're hanging from the ropes lalal, 270 diff camera views in about 20 seconds.
Just nicked this from another website, rather hilarious 
FADE IN:
EXT. THE STREETS OF NORTHERN ITALY
DANIEL CRAIG speeds along the road with JESPER CHRISTENSEN in the trunk while being chased by SOMEONE OR ANOTHER. The cameraman has an EPILEPTIC SEIZURE, but is told to continue filming.
DANIEL CRAIG
As soon as I evade these random, nameless pursuers, I can have Judi Dench interrogate you!
JESPER CHRISTENSEN
Great, I have some questions for her, too. For example, why is she the only person willing to be in every single one of these dumbass movies?
DANIEL evades the WHOEVERS and the opening credits sequence starts.
ALICIA KEYS AND JACK WHITE
A plot wide open,
An overuse of grime,
A villain with water,
A franchise past its prime!
A film soon on cable,
Made just to make a dime!
A movie that you think that you can trust,
is just,
another waste of tiiiime!
INT. MI6 SAFEHOUSE
DANIEL CRAIG, JUDI DENCH, JUDI DENCH’S BODYGUARD, and a RANDOM MI6 AGENT interrogate JESPER.
JUDI DENCH
Who are you working for? And please don’t give some vague bullshit answer about working for an all powerful secret agency with spies everywhere, I’d really rather not waste the audience goodwill we earned with Casino Royale.
JESPER CHRISTENSEN
Fine. I work for a powerful secret agency with spies everywhere. For example, your bodyguard!
JUDI’S BODYGUARD
That’s right! I’ve been a double agent for the past 8 years! And now I’m going to use the element of surprise not to kill Judi, or even Daniel Craig, but this completely superfluous other guy in the room!
He DOES, then runs away to be chased by DANIEL CRAIG across rooftops. DANIEL catches up to him and they try using RUBE GOLDBERG devices against each other before DANIEL gets bored and shoots JUDI’S BODYGUARD.
JUDI DENCH
Daniel, my team has used a bunch of props stolen from the set of Minority Report to figure out that my bodyguard had some marked bills in his wallet and that similar marked bills were used in Haiti, so maybe those two are somehow related in some way.
DANIEL CRAIG
Well if that isn’t a rock-solid lead, I don’t know what is.
DANIEL flies to HAITI. Suddenly, a thick cloud of FOG enters the theater, obscuring the screen for a while. When it clears, DANIEL has allied OLGA KURYLENKO and the bad guy is MATHIEU AMALRIC.
OLGA KURYLENKO
The guy you care about for some reason is hanging out at the pier. I wish I could stay and help you, but I need to go tanning to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am Bolivian.
DANIEL CRAIG
I can relate, I have to spend hours in the steam room all over my face to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am not a rumpled bed sheet.
DANIEL confronts MATHIEU AMALRIC.
DANIEL CRAIG
You’re the villain? You’re a fucking nerd! I used to give wedgies to guys like you after getting to second base with the prom queen under the gym bleachers.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Hey, at least I don’t cry blood.
DANIEL follows MATHIEU to AUSTRIA where he steals an earpiece and discovers that MATHIEU’S SECRET ORGANIZATION conducts their meetings via bluetooth while attending the OPERA.
DANIEL CRAIG
Damn, I didn’t think a Bond movie could have a more boring setpiece than “really long poker game” but here we are.
DANIEL goes after MATHIEU but is stopped by some HENCHMEN, who DANIEL kills.
DANIEL CRAIG
(on phone with Judi Dench)
Judi, I used my phone to take some pictures of people that Mathieu was meeting. I’m sending them to you now.
JUDI DENCH
Cell phone pictures? How am I supposed to identify people based on low-resolution images of people taken far away?
DANIEL CRAIG
You must be confused about technology. When you take a low resolution image of a face, all that happens is that the area around the head is fuzzy, but the face itself comes through crystal clear.
JUDI DENCH
Oh right. One last thing: one of the men you killed was a government agent. Despite knowing you’re the only person I can trust, I’m going to have to bring you in for questioning. I’m sending a sexy redhead with a weakness for blue-eyed blonde men to apprehend you.
GEMMA ARTERTON finds DANIEL and tries to arrest him.
GEMMA ARTERTON
Hello Daniel. I’m going to be keeping an eye on you until I can bring you back to headquarters. My name is Strawberry Fields, which is bound to be innuendo, but I’m not quite sure how.
DANIEL CRAIG
Great, I’ll take a quick break from my quest to avenge the death of my girlfriend to have sex with you.
DANIEL CRAIG attends a party hosted by MATHIEU AMALRIC.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Alright, I’ve had enough of this.
DANIEL CRAIG
What, me following you everywhere you go and thwarting your attempts to acquire Bolivian oil?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
No, the whole movie. “Quantum of Solace”? Is this a Bond movie or a fucking poetry reading? This shit is so pretentious and angst-ridden it makes Crash look like Moonraker.
DANIEL CRAIG
We’re just going for a more gritty, realistic Bond, that’s all.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Realistic? You jumped a fucking boat with another fucking boat a little while ago.
MATHIEU escapes from DANIEL to go to a HOTEL IN THE DESERT, because the franchise is RUNNING OUT OF SET PIECES.
INT. DESERT HOTEL
MATHIEU is meeting with GENERAL JOAQUIN COSIO.
JOAQUIN COSIO
Thank you for meeting me in my desert hotel powered by vast arrays of extremely explosive hydrogen cells. Now, why did you want to speak with me?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
I want you to sign this agreement that makes me your country’s sole water provider for an outrageous rate.
JOAQUIN COSIO
Water?! You mean the precious liquid you’ve been hoarding isn’t oil at all, but in fact water?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
That’s right! While the stupid Americans were obsessed with acquiring oil, I was securing Bolivia’s water reserves!
JOAQUIN COSIO
What a pathetic attempt to stay politically relevant!
DANIEL CRAIG
(dropping in)
Didn’t Bond villains used to have gigantic death rays? You really expect me to feel threatened by drought?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch.
There is a SHOOTOUT and all of the AWKWARDLY MENTIONED FUEL CELLS begin BLOWING THE FUCK UP. Eventually DANIEL finds himself in a room that doesn’t completely collapse, so he ESCAPES and drives MATHIEU out into the middle of the desert and leaves him with a can of motor oil.
DANIEL CRAIG
I’m going to leave you here to die. When you become as depressed as me, you can drink that can of motor oil to kill yourself. Goodbye.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Seriously? Who the hell does shit like this?
DANIEL CRAIG
The name’s Bourne. Jason Bourne. Er, wait…
DANIEL drives away but his car engine fails because he’s out of motor oil.
END
FADE IN:
EXT. THE STREETS OF NORTHERN ITALY
DANIEL CRAIG speeds along the road with JESPER CHRISTENSEN in the trunk while being chased by SOMEONE OR ANOTHER. The cameraman has an EPILEPTIC SEIZURE, but is told to continue filming.
DANIEL CRAIG
As soon as I evade these random, nameless pursuers, I can have Judi Dench interrogate you!
JESPER CHRISTENSEN
Great, I have some questions for her, too. For example, why is she the only person willing to be in every single one of these dumbass movies?
DANIEL evades the WHOEVERS and the opening credits sequence starts.
ALICIA KEYS AND JACK WHITE
A plot wide open,
An overuse of grime,
A villain with water,
A franchise past its prime!
A film soon on cable,
Made just to make a dime!
A movie that you think that you can trust,
is just,
another waste of tiiiime!
INT. MI6 SAFEHOUSE
DANIEL CRAIG, JUDI DENCH, JUDI DENCH’S BODYGUARD, and a RANDOM MI6 AGENT interrogate JESPER.
JUDI DENCH
Who are you working for? And please don’t give some vague bullshit answer about working for an all powerful secret agency with spies everywhere, I’d really rather not waste the audience goodwill we earned with Casino Royale.
JESPER CHRISTENSEN
Fine. I work for a powerful secret agency with spies everywhere. For example, your bodyguard!
JUDI’S BODYGUARD
That’s right! I’ve been a double agent for the past 8 years! And now I’m going to use the element of surprise not to kill Judi, or even Daniel Craig, but this completely superfluous other guy in the room!
He DOES, then runs away to be chased by DANIEL CRAIG across rooftops. DANIEL catches up to him and they try using RUBE GOLDBERG devices against each other before DANIEL gets bored and shoots JUDI’S BODYGUARD.
JUDI DENCH
Daniel, my team has used a bunch of props stolen from the set of Minority Report to figure out that my bodyguard had some marked bills in his wallet and that similar marked bills were used in Haiti, so maybe those two are somehow related in some way.
DANIEL CRAIG
Well if that isn’t a rock-solid lead, I don’t know what is.
DANIEL flies to HAITI. Suddenly, a thick cloud of FOG enters the theater, obscuring the screen for a while. When it clears, DANIEL has allied OLGA KURYLENKO and the bad guy is MATHIEU AMALRIC.
OLGA KURYLENKO
The guy you care about for some reason is hanging out at the pier. I wish I could stay and help you, but I need to go tanning to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am Bolivian.
DANIEL CRAIG
I can relate, I have to spend hours in the steam room all over my face to maintain the ridiculous notion that I am not a rumpled bed sheet.
DANIEL confronts MATHIEU AMALRIC.
DANIEL CRAIG
You’re the villain? You’re a fucking nerd! I used to give wedgies to guys like you after getting to second base with the prom queen under the gym bleachers.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Hey, at least I don’t cry blood.
DANIEL follows MATHIEU to AUSTRIA where he steals an earpiece and discovers that MATHIEU’S SECRET ORGANIZATION conducts their meetings via bluetooth while attending the OPERA.
DANIEL CRAIG
Damn, I didn’t think a Bond movie could have a more boring setpiece than “really long poker game” but here we are.
DANIEL goes after MATHIEU but is stopped by some HENCHMEN, who DANIEL kills.
DANIEL CRAIG
(on phone with Judi Dench)
Judi, I used my phone to take some pictures of people that Mathieu was meeting. I’m sending them to you now.
JUDI DENCH
Cell phone pictures? How am I supposed to identify people based on low-resolution images of people taken far away?
DANIEL CRAIG
You must be confused about technology. When you take a low resolution image of a face, all that happens is that the area around the head is fuzzy, but the face itself comes through crystal clear.
JUDI DENCH
Oh right. One last thing: one of the men you killed was a government agent. Despite knowing you’re the only person I can trust, I’m going to have to bring you in for questioning. I’m sending a sexy redhead with a weakness for blue-eyed blonde men to apprehend you.
GEMMA ARTERTON finds DANIEL and tries to arrest him.
GEMMA ARTERTON
Hello Daniel. I’m going to be keeping an eye on you until I can bring you back to headquarters. My name is Strawberry Fields, which is bound to be innuendo, but I’m not quite sure how.
DANIEL CRAIG
Great, I’ll take a quick break from my quest to avenge the death of my girlfriend to have sex with you.
DANIEL CRAIG attends a party hosted by MATHIEU AMALRIC.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Alright, I’ve had enough of this.
DANIEL CRAIG
What, me following you everywhere you go and thwarting your attempts to acquire Bolivian oil?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
No, the whole movie. “Quantum of Solace”? Is this a Bond movie or a fucking poetry reading? This shit is so pretentious and angst-ridden it makes Crash look like Moonraker.
DANIEL CRAIG
We’re just going for a more gritty, realistic Bond, that’s all.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Realistic? You jumped a fucking boat with another fucking boat a little while ago.
MATHIEU escapes from DANIEL to go to a HOTEL IN THE DESERT, because the franchise is RUNNING OUT OF SET PIECES.
INT. DESERT HOTEL
MATHIEU is meeting with GENERAL JOAQUIN COSIO.
JOAQUIN COSIO
Thank you for meeting me in my desert hotel powered by vast arrays of extremely explosive hydrogen cells. Now, why did you want to speak with me?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
I want you to sign this agreement that makes me your country’s sole water provider for an outrageous rate.
JOAQUIN COSIO
Water?! You mean the precious liquid you’ve been hoarding isn’t oil at all, but in fact water?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
That’s right! While the stupid Americans were obsessed with acquiring oil, I was securing Bolivia’s water reserves!
JOAQUIN COSIO
What a pathetic attempt to stay politically relevant!
DANIEL CRAIG
(dropping in)
Didn’t Bond villains used to have gigantic death rays? You really expect me to feel threatened by drought?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
No Mr. Craig, I expect you to die! On the inside. Of heartbreak. You emo bitch.
There is a SHOOTOUT and all of the AWKWARDLY MENTIONED FUEL CELLS begin BLOWING THE FUCK UP. Eventually DANIEL finds himself in a room that doesn’t completely collapse, so he ESCAPES and drives MATHIEU out into the middle of the desert and leaves him with a can of motor oil.
DANIEL CRAIG
I’m going to leave you here to die. When you become as depressed as me, you can drink that can of motor oil to kill yourself. Goodbye.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Seriously? Who the hell does shit like this?
DANIEL CRAIG
The name’s Bourne. Jason Bourne. Er, wait…
DANIEL drives away but his car engine fails because he’s out of motor oil.
END
Tbh CK, whoever spent (wasted) their time writing that should stop being so bitter and watch sth else instead
That said, Casino Royale was better but QOS isnt a bad film, imo! Jason bourne or anyone else will still never be better than Bond in my eyes
I appreciate you posted it as a joke though
That said, Casino Royale was better but QOS isnt a bad film, imo! Jason bourne or anyone else will still never be better than Bond in my eyes
I appreciate you posted it as a joke though
lol wtf i randomly read thru a thread and suddenly i see this! bart u gaylord!
oh and bond was shit.
When I watched it the first time in the cinema I was going in and wanted to see the perfect sequel to Casino Royale.
I have to say that I dislike the idea to produce sequels in general, as they tend to be boring.
The whole movie showed itself more like a complete new Bond film as the cutting and the storyline are not told in the same character than the Casino Royale movie was. Why this was needed remains unclear for myself.
What remains is a high speed James Bond movie that cuts the story structure older James Bond movies are famous and used to look like for. All in all I enjoyed watching it and therefore watched it a second time.
Based to this, I rate it with 8 out of 10 possible points.
I have to say that I dislike the idea to produce sequels in general, as they tend to be boring.
The whole movie showed itself more like a complete new Bond film as the cutting and the storyline are not told in the same character than the Casino Royale movie was. Why this was needed remains unclear for myself.
What remains is a high speed James Bond movie that cuts the story structure older James Bond movies are famous and used to look like for. All in all I enjoyed watching it and therefore watched it a second time.
Based to this, I rate it with 8 out of 10 possible points.
Tbh CK, whoever spent (wasted) their time writing that should stop being so bitter and watch sth else instead
That said, Casino Royale was better but QOS isnt a bad film, imo! Jason bourne or anyone else will still never be better than Bond in my eyes
I appreciate you posted it as a joke though
It follows on from similar joke scripts of Die Another Day and the Star Wars prequels. There is a load of them on that website and are pretty funny mostleeeeh
I watched all the Bond films the other weekend... fuck me I slate this film but Licence to Kill was a pile of turd! I had my willy out for Goldfinger tho, propaaaa film
License to Kill was proper bad, but The Living Daylights was actually quite good, though the plot of License to Kill might actually be a bit stronger. QOS was just the most disappointing film I've ever seen, and I really do enjoy Bond films. This movie was overcompensating for the lack of action in Casino Royale and did so by removing all the plot that Casino Royale had. The fast cuts on the film and changing camera angles made me feel like I was watching the Blair WItch Project and not a proper Bond film. That made it hard to watch, hard to see, and even hard to understand. The overplot was okay though, villian trying to take over the world by buying up the world's water supplies, corrupt governments, secret organizations... and a secret agent. But I mean seriously, that box-hotel at the end too, the stage is set by some subtitle saying "sounds unstable" which automatically means the entire place can just blow up. Honestly? Apparantly so.
The beginning and end minutes of this movie weren't bad, but the rest left me really wanting a LOT more, and my money back. It could be the worst Bond film ever.
+1
2/10, particularly based out of my anger that I waited 2 years for this film and it sucked and it was massively overhyped. A film of this magnitude should live up to people's expectations.
is it so bad in your perception because it was so horrifically over hyped? or would you have come away going, alright, it wasnt great, but perfectly watchable, and i dont begrudge having paid to see it...?
Thats the way I feel on it tbh, and i certainly dont think its the worst bond film ever...
Yes uzi i LOVE the golden cock !
It isnt the worst Bond ever, but considering the technology we have these days and the fact that pretty much every director in the world would want to work on Bond its disappointing imo.
Will be interesting to see what Bond 23 is about...
Live and Let Die is the next one in the Fleming stories (I think?) so it would be cool to see a little tiny of influence from that. No yokel police men tho
It isnt the worst Bond ever, but considering the technology we have these days and the fact that pretty much every director in the world would want to work on Bond its disappointing imo.
Will be interesting to see what Bond 23 is about...
Live and Let Die is the next one in the Fleming stories (I think?) so it would be cool to see a little tiny of influence from that. No yokel police men tho
I wouldn't have come away, because it WASN'T great and it wasn't perfectly watchable. In fact it wasn't watchable at all. I have never sat in a movie theatre and said "wow, this movie is bad" and I saw K-Pax in theatres, but I said that here.
I don't think it was horrible just because it was overhyped, but the fact that it was supposed to be a sequel and not only couldn't meet the smallest of expectations. They produced a terrible film and the director of this should be hung and shot.