UltraViolet said:
OI!
U back in here spamming 
you've been warned once b4 
nxt time you'll rue the day you ever ventred into this thread 
Lets Have A Joke Thread
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
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OI!
U back in here spamming you've been warned once b4 nxt time you'll rue the day you ever ventred into this thread Blackmaiden said:Ive just seen this on the back of a wotsits pack and im dedicating it to ScroteLOL
What do u call a man in paper underpants??
Russell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Made me smile
i really dont get that, in the slightest.
ffs -ego- 
Blackmaiden said:
Take this conversation elsewhere this is a joke thread read the 1st post in this thread
so jokes or hop it
so jokes or hop it
There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The man said, "No Shit!"
Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.
The man said, "No Shit!"
Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.
A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
This i think is sick but u may appreciate it:
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."
This is good!:
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
Even better :
Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should''ve been.
His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don''t say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven''t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.
A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend''s father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I''ll do the goddam dishes!"
:Eddie went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should''ve been.
His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don''t say a word." She told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven''t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.
A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Steve remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend''s father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I''ll do the goddam dishes!"
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A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick's Day holiday. He was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go for a few beers. After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He went into the bathroom, and he was peeing, lhe ooked into the next stall and noticed a leprechaun whose penis was HUGE!
"Let me ask you something...how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall guys?"
In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, "I don't know laddy, i'm a leprechaun".
With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, "Well guess what? I caught ya!"
"Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won't come true until tomorrow morning".
The trucker was confused by this, "Why not? You're a leprechaun, I caught ya, so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes."
"Well", began the leprechaun, "you don't know anything about us leprechauns. We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick's Day." Well, the trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10 million dollars in the bank, tax free. The leprechaun said it would be done in the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, "Lad, would you like to have your wishes come true tonight?"
"Well yeah, but what's the catch?", came the reply. "Well, you gotta let a leprechaun corn-hole ya." The trucker, at first protested, but then the leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments. Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone. When it was all over, the leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, "Laddy, can I ask ya a question?"
"Sure", says the trucker.
"How old are ya now?"
"I'm 40 years old" says the trucker.
With that, the leprechaun says, "You mean to tell me that you're 40 years old and still believe in leprechauns?"
"Let me ask you something...how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall guys?"
In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, "I don't know laddy, i'm a leprechaun".
With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, "Well guess what? I caught ya!"
"Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won't come true until tomorrow morning".
The trucker was confused by this, "Why not? You're a leprechaun, I caught ya, so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes."
"Well", began the leprechaun, "you don't know anything about us leprechauns. We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick's Day." Well, the trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10 million dollars in the bank, tax free. The leprechaun said it would be done in the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, "Lad, would you like to have your wishes come true tonight?"
"Well yeah, but what's the catch?", came the reply. "Well, you gotta let a leprechaun corn-hole ya." The trucker, at first protested, but then the leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments. Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone. When it was all over, the leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, "Laddy, can I ask ya a question?"
"Sure", says the trucker.
"How old are ya now?"
"I'm 40 years old" says the trucker.
With that, the leprechaun says, "You mean to tell me that you're 40 years old and still believe in leprechauns?"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can''t take anything from you, I''m just glad I didn''t hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I''ll give him the three things that I would want. I''ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I''m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It''s great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?" The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that''s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can''t take anything from you, I''m just glad I didn''t hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I''ll give him the three things that I would want. I''ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I''m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It''s great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?" The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that''s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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