Lets Have A Joke Thread
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
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A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.
Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.
The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"
Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.
Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.
The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"
Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
John was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredibly severe migraine headaches.
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who diagnosed the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and this pressure creates a horrendous headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."
John was shocked and depressed for days thinking about this. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to have this surgery.
When he left the hospital after the surgery, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was no longer the same person he once was. He felt completely different so he decided he could make a new beginning and live a new life. As he walked down the street he saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit," and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
John laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
John tried on the suit and it fitted him perfectly.
As John admired himself, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"
John thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
The tailor eyed John, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 neck."
John was again surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
John tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
As John adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor said, "How about new shoes?"
John was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The tailor eyed John's feet, and said, "Let's see! Size 10."
By now, John was astonished and asked, "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
John tried on the shoes and they fit him perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some underwear?"
John thought for a for a few minutes, and said, "Sure, why not."
The tailor stepped back, eyed John's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."
John laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old".
The tailor shook his head, "You can't possibly be wearing size 32. Size 32 underwear for you would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you a doozy of a headache."
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who diagnosed the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and this pressure creates a horrendous headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."
John was shocked and depressed for days thinking about this. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to have this surgery.
When he left the hospital after the surgery, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was no longer the same person he once was. He felt completely different so he decided he could make a new beginning and live a new life. As he walked down the street he saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit," and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
John laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
John tried on the suit and it fitted him perfectly.
As John admired himself, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"
John thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
The tailor eyed John, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 neck."
John was again surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
John tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
As John adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor said, "How about new shoes?"
John was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The tailor eyed John's feet, and said, "Let's see! Size 10."
By now, John was astonished and asked, "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
John tried on the shoes and they fit him perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some underwear?"
John thought for a for a few minutes, and said, "Sure, why not."
The tailor stepped back, eyed John's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."
John laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old".
The tailor shook his head, "You can't possibly be wearing size 32. Size 32 underwear for you would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you a doozy of a headache."
A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank. The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.
The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replies the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asks the banker.
"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.
The banker tells the farmer that he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check out the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replies the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asks the banker.
"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.
Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt!
He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out!
He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."
The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the doctor... "Any asshole can sing country music!"
Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt!
He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out!
He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ."
The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the doctor... "Any asshole can sing country music!"
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The pirate hat will disguise your baldness, and with your wooden leg you will make an ideal pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now he gets really pissed off, as they've gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head! He writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he received a small parcel and a note, which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Empty it over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple!."
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The pirate hat will disguise your baldness, and with your wooden leg you will make an ideal pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now he gets really pissed off, as they've gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head! He writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he received a small parcel and a note, which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Empty it over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple!."
I found this one while wandering around...
I warn you now.. It's a groaner!
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A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you; no charge."
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I warn you now.. It's a groaner!
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A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you; no charge."
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Groooooan 
How many blonde jokes are there?
None, they're all true...
3 blondes were driving to Disneyland, they approached a sign that said "Disneyland left," so they turned around and went home.
None, they're all true...
3 blondes were driving to Disneyland, they approached a sign that said "Disneyland left," so they turned around and went home.
hehe
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying.
The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and
my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says, "do what I do my pal.
Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot
in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten
dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk
number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling
at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning
the lie and says, "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait
a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for
puking on you?" "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying.
The other asks what's wrong. "I've puked all over myself again and
my wife is gonna kill me." The other drunk says, "do what I do my pal.
Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot
in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten
dollars to have your clothes cleaned." "Sounds like a great idea" says drunk
number 1. When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling
at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning
the lie and says, "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait
a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for
puking on you?" "He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."
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