Now that Mym has raised the bar for proactive admining, I decided to grill another well-known cipher. That man Ulv, who has been dipping his greasy fingers into the juicy problem of comms and how to abuse them:
-=-=-=-=-
Me: Hello, Ulv.
Ulv: You and whose army?
Me: Right. We recently learned that Mym aims to set up an IT helpline for the furtherance of the community. Hopes were high initially but it appears that his background as an agony aunt for Woman's Weekly is getting in the way. At least as much as his madness. I mean, I asked him for advice on speccing a new laptop and his response was: "A calamitous drop in Samsung's share price should have little or no impact on the quality of their impending Windows 8 Tablet Hybrid model, but if you can't get your husband to talk about his wooden leg then your transvestite uncle may find difficulty finding investors for his pubic topiary website. Stay away from missing persons and the letter F. Your lucky colour is eight." I think he also did the horoscopes for a while.
Ulv: Sigh. OK, I'll unvoice him again later.
Me: Anyway, I think we'd all feel a little more confident if we knew what plans you have to improve UTA over the coming months?
Ulv: Well, I've been looking closesly at the whole communications problem. With a new 3v3 cup on the way the comms question is on everyone's lips, or at least it would be if they knew how to communicate.
Me: Presumably you mean comms via Teamspeak?
Ulv: Mainly, yes.
Me: Now, these days Teamspeak is notoriously not used properly by puggers. Why do you think this is?
Ulv: Could be anything, really. Can't afford a mic, or can't be bothered, or too shy, or can't be bothered, or can't work it properly, or can't...
Me: Be bothered?
Ulv: Maybe. It's just one of the six possibilities I mentioned.
Me: So, if people blatantly can't be bothered...
Ulv: I'm not saying that.
Me: Well, I am. If people can't be bothered to use Teamspeak, as Big Cheese of Communications what alternatives do you propose?
Ulv: Glad you asked. I came up with a great idea based on a very old principle of communication. The precursor to the electric telephone, if you will.
Me: I won't.
Ulv: What we do is we take this cup on the end of a bit of string.
Me: A tampon string I notice. Used.
Ulv: Well, ignore that, this is just a prototype. We take this and we put it in the house of someone who famously can't be bothered - your words, not mine - to talk on Teamspeak.
Me: Hmm. DJ, for example?
Ulv: Exactly. We then keep the second cup on the other end of the string and we stretch it from his house to ours.
Me: Right. Quick question: what tampon string is this that can stretch from here to Sweden?
Ulv: Well, I did say it was a prototype. Imagine a really long tampon. For really tall women.
Me: So, not so much rollerblading as basketball.
Ulv: Right. And then the two of us sit here with our ears to the cup and listen to it just in case he says anything worth listening to.
Me: Even assuming that would work, how likely is it to happen? It's DJ.
Ulv: Point taken, but the principle is sound.
Me: Mm, yes. We could call your system '2Gimps1Cup'.
Ulv: Do you mind if I write that down?
Me: Christ. Any other ideas?
Ulv: Gosh, yes. Loads.
Me: Not involving tampons?
Ulv: Erm...
Me: Kill me in the face.
Ulv: No, hang on, there is one. Bear with me here. You know how when you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the sea?
Me: Ye-es... I can vaguely see where this is going.
Ulv: Why does that happen, do you think?
Me: Usually because you're standing next to the sea when you find a seashell. It's difficult to hear anything else.
Ulv: Exactly! So, by that logic, if you wanted to listen to DJ, say...
Me: Not any more likely than it was a minute ago.
Ulv: Yes, but IF. All you would do is hold up a seashell while standing next to him. Get it?
Me: So... let me see if I have this right. Your idea is this: instead of opening Teamspeak and getting DJ to do the same, you want me to pay twenty quid for a train to the nearest beach, hunt around in the pissing rain for any seashell not covered in sewage, get another train to the airport, catch the next flight to Sweden, turn up unannounced at DJ's house, convince his mum to let me go down into the basement in which he sleeps, and then stand there and watch him play UT while holding a seashell to my ear just in case he says anything. In Swedish, which I don't understand. At which point I would also be down approximately a hundred quid. And then when he asks if I brought another seashell for him to use I just look at him. Is that roughly the size of Plan B?
Ulv: Plan G, actually. You made me skip all the tampon ones.
Me: No-one else wanted the communications job, did they, Ulv?
Ulv: Not even a little bit.
Me: Moving on, what about punitive measures for not using Teamspeak properly? You have some degree of control in the pug channel, with the power to kick people, abort pugs, arrange marriages, etc. Is it not possible to start penalising puggers for failing to talk to their team?
Ulv: Interesting you should say that. I have actually proposed a system to Mym which deals with this.
Me: Hmm. Did you PM him about it in irc?
Ulv: Yes.
Me: Probably why nothing's been done.
Ulv: That's what I thought. But the system would work like this: anyone who fails to say an estimated five hundred words or more during the course of an hour long pug is banned from the next one, then banned from the next two if he fails again, and so on and so on.
Me: Ban the silent ones, I see. It's not bad, actually.
Ulv: Ta.
Me: But there are more problems than just people being silent. There are some people who do use their mics, but in a pointless way.
Ulv: Yes, I know what you mean. Take Axl.
Me: Ah yes, Axl. Captain Space Helmet himself. How long can one man spend in traction?
Ulv: Exactly. Always sounds like he's one sentence away from requesting landing permission.
Me: "Incoming"? Where?
Ulv: I know your pain. So, there's no real reason why we couldn't ban him as well. I've been itching to do it for a while anyway, I knew something would turn up.
Me: Go nuts. Then there's the people that talk nothing but gibberish. Too many to mention, really.
Ulv: Yes, let's not get into that now. Just ban the scum, that's what I say.
Me: Hi, admin. Well, this is all very proactive, Ulv, but all these bans would end up applying to so many people that we would quickly have a situation where there were really only three regular puggers left talking: Riv, Skalman and yourself.
Ulv: Possibly, yes.
Me: Now, Riv and Skalman both babble endless bollocks in preposterously squeaky and effeminate voices.
Ulv: Agreed.
Me: And you personally could not win a pug if your trousers depended on it.
Ulv: Harsh but fair.
Me: So, what name would you suggest for such a system?
Ulv: Pff... '2Girls1Fuckup'?
Me: Hmm. It's good but Mym warned me to stay away from the letter F.
Ulv: Screw it then. Pug at eight?
Me: Oo, my lucky colour!
-=-=-=-=-
Your horoscope for today: "The silent war between Firewire and USB protocols continues to rage unabated, but a tall, dark stranger in your life may not be unexpected if you are a hermetic midget wearing sunglasses. Avoid planets and most murderers. Your lucky fish is wet. Mouse not supplied."
-=-=-=-=-
Me: Hello, Ulv.
Ulv: You and whose army?
Me: Right. We recently learned that Mym aims to set up an IT helpline for the furtherance of the community. Hopes were high initially but it appears that his background as an agony aunt for Woman's Weekly is getting in the way. At least as much as his madness. I mean, I asked him for advice on speccing a new laptop and his response was: "A calamitous drop in Samsung's share price should have little or no impact on the quality of their impending Windows 8 Tablet Hybrid model, but if you can't get your husband to talk about his wooden leg then your transvestite uncle may find difficulty finding investors for his pubic topiary website. Stay away from missing persons and the letter F. Your lucky colour is eight." I think he also did the horoscopes for a while.
Ulv: Sigh. OK, I'll unvoice him again later.
Me: Anyway, I think we'd all feel a little more confident if we knew what plans you have to improve UTA over the coming months?
Ulv: Well, I've been looking closesly at the whole communications problem. With a new 3v3 cup on the way the comms question is on everyone's lips, or at least it would be if they knew how to communicate.
Me: Presumably you mean comms via Teamspeak?
Ulv: Mainly, yes.
Me: Now, these days Teamspeak is notoriously not used properly by puggers. Why do you think this is?
Ulv: Could be anything, really. Can't afford a mic, or can't be bothered, or too shy, or can't be bothered, or can't work it properly, or can't...
Me: Be bothered?
Ulv: Maybe. It's just one of the six possibilities I mentioned.
Me: So, if people blatantly can't be bothered...
Ulv: I'm not saying that.
Me: Well, I am. If people can't be bothered to use Teamspeak, as Big Cheese of Communications what alternatives do you propose?
Ulv: Glad you asked. I came up with a great idea based on a very old principle of communication. The precursor to the electric telephone, if you will.
Me: I won't.
Ulv: What we do is we take this cup on the end of a bit of string.
Me: A tampon string I notice. Used.
Ulv: Well, ignore that, this is just a prototype. We take this and we put it in the house of someone who famously can't be bothered - your words, not mine - to talk on Teamspeak.
Me: Hmm. DJ, for example?
Ulv: Exactly. We then keep the second cup on the other end of the string and we stretch it from his house to ours.
Me: Right. Quick question: what tampon string is this that can stretch from here to Sweden?
Ulv: Well, I did say it was a prototype. Imagine a really long tampon. For really tall women.
Me: So, not so much rollerblading as basketball.
Ulv: Right. And then the two of us sit here with our ears to the cup and listen to it just in case he says anything worth listening to.
Me: Even assuming that would work, how likely is it to happen? It's DJ.
Ulv: Point taken, but the principle is sound.
Me: Mm, yes. We could call your system '2Gimps1Cup'.
Ulv: Do you mind if I write that down?
Me: Christ. Any other ideas?
Ulv: Gosh, yes. Loads.
Me: Not involving tampons?
Ulv: Erm...
Me: Kill me in the face.
Ulv: No, hang on, there is one. Bear with me here. You know how when you hold a seashell up to your ear you can hear the sea?
Me: Ye-es... I can vaguely see where this is going.
Ulv: Why does that happen, do you think?
Me: Usually because you're standing next to the sea when you find a seashell. It's difficult to hear anything else.
Ulv: Exactly! So, by that logic, if you wanted to listen to DJ, say...
Me: Not any more likely than it was a minute ago.
Ulv: Yes, but IF. All you would do is hold up a seashell while standing next to him. Get it?
Me: So... let me see if I have this right. Your idea is this: instead of opening Teamspeak and getting DJ to do the same, you want me to pay twenty quid for a train to the nearest beach, hunt around in the pissing rain for any seashell not covered in sewage, get another train to the airport, catch the next flight to Sweden, turn up unannounced at DJ's house, convince his mum to let me go down into the basement in which he sleeps, and then stand there and watch him play UT while holding a seashell to my ear just in case he says anything. In Swedish, which I don't understand. At which point I would also be down approximately a hundred quid. And then when he asks if I brought another seashell for him to use I just look at him. Is that roughly the size of Plan B?
Ulv: Plan G, actually. You made me skip all the tampon ones.
Me: No-one else wanted the communications job, did they, Ulv?
Ulv: Not even a little bit.
Me: Moving on, what about punitive measures for not using Teamspeak properly? You have some degree of control in the pug channel, with the power to kick people, abort pugs, arrange marriages, etc. Is it not possible to start penalising puggers for failing to talk to their team?
Ulv: Interesting you should say that. I have actually proposed a system to Mym which deals with this.
Me: Hmm. Did you PM him about it in irc?
Ulv: Yes.
Me: Probably why nothing's been done.
Ulv: That's what I thought. But the system would work like this: anyone who fails to say an estimated five hundred words or more during the course of an hour long pug is banned from the next one, then banned from the next two if he fails again, and so on and so on.
Me: Ban the silent ones, I see. It's not bad, actually.
Ulv: Ta.
Me: But there are more problems than just people being silent. There are some people who do use their mics, but in a pointless way.
Ulv: Yes, I know what you mean. Take Axl.
Me: Ah yes, Axl. Captain Space Helmet himself. How long can one man spend in traction?
Ulv: Exactly. Always sounds like he's one sentence away from requesting landing permission.
Me: "Incoming"? Where?
Ulv: I know your pain. So, there's no real reason why we couldn't ban him as well. I've been itching to do it for a while anyway, I knew something would turn up.
Me: Go nuts. Then there's the people that talk nothing but gibberish. Too many to mention, really.
Ulv: Yes, let's not get into that now. Just ban the scum, that's what I say.
Me: Hi, admin. Well, this is all very proactive, Ulv, but all these bans would end up applying to so many people that we would quickly have a situation where there were really only three regular puggers left talking: Riv, Skalman and yourself.
Ulv: Possibly, yes.
Me: Now, Riv and Skalman both babble endless bollocks in preposterously squeaky and effeminate voices.
Ulv: Agreed.
Me: And you personally could not win a pug if your trousers depended on it.
Ulv: Harsh but fair.
Me: So, what name would you suggest for such a system?
Ulv: Pff... '2Girls1Fuckup'?
Me: Hmm. It's good but Mym warned me to stay away from the letter F.
Ulv: Screw it then. Pug at eight?
Me: Oo, my lucky colour!
-=-=-=-=-
Your horoscope for today: "The silent war between Firewire and USB protocols continues to rage unabated, but a tall, dark stranger in your life may not be unexpected if you are a hermetic midget wearing sunglasses. Avoid planets and most murderers. Your lucky fish is wet. Mouse not supplied."
It's a damn shame.
