I dunno if anyone has noticed but over the last few weeks I have been trying out a new system designed to solve the captaining problem in PUGs - namely: no bugger caps for three years and then finally someone caves in from having lots of other people shouting at him, people who themselves would never dream of capping.
Anyway, follow my ten step program and you too could help solve the captain issue:
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STEP 1: BE A NOOB
This is not as easy as it sounds, and takes years of practice. Only after several years of relentless pwnage in UTA have I finally achieved true noobage.
STEP 2: SIGN WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING, YET USE YOUR REAL NICK
Again deceptively difficult, especially since you can get banned for having anything other than your precise name plus the PUG letter. Incidentally you can apparently also get banned for talking, thinking and existing - don't say you were not warned.
STEP 3: TALK LIMITLESS RUBBISH IN THE PUG CHANNEL
An important one, as it will lead to players who are not noobs not taking you seriously - this will stand you in good stead later on. I have also mastered this step, I think it's fair to say. Check logs for proof of this, assuming you are not currently banned.
STEP 4: CAPTAIN AFTER SEVERAL MINUTES OF INACTIVITY FROM EVERYONE ELSE
Easy to do, as no-one ever captains. All you really need is the will to reach for your keyboard, put uZi on ignore, and type !captain in the channel - sorted. Look out for bans while doing this step, as you can never really know for sure.
STEP 5: DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT YOU JUST CAPPED THROUGH USE OF RANDOMISED INSULTS
Pish simple, as the PUG channel is heaving with goons just begging to be defamed. Completing this step should, if done correctly, incite a gullible idiot to cap against you, thereby allowing the PUG to proceed inside twenty years - well below the normal limits.
STEP 6: INSIST THAT YOUR TEAM USES TEAMSPEAK IN ORDER TO HEAR YOUR TACTICS
This is critical - see STEP 7.
STEP 7: DO NOT USE TEAMSPEAK TO GIVE OUT TACTICS
Following on from STEP 6, this one is important because simply typing out your tactics will drive everyone on your team crazy, a crucial factor in this program.
STEP 8: DELIBERATELY MISTYPE ALL YOUR TACTICS THEN FAIL TO CORRECT THEM OVER TEAMSPEAK
This will rapidly lead to confusion among your already flummoxed teammates, especially since what few tactics you may have accidentally typed correctly will naturally be worthless anyway, as, assuming you completed STEP 1 earlier, you are a noob.
STEP 9: SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR SOME DIV 1 ARSE TO JUMP IN AND ASSUME COMMAND, DECLARING THAT YOU ARE A TOSSER / FOOL / NOOB AND THAT HIS TACTICS ARE BETTER / MUCH BETTER / NOT SHIT LIKE YOURS
This will generally happen no matter how many of the above steps you performed to get here, as PUGs are literally a symposium of skilled halfwaits flaming each other, unless they are banned, which they usually are. Simply allow this step to take its course, as this will lead to a win-win situation for the player who takes over. If he then loses the PUG he can say, with the aid of authentic irc logs, that he was not the captain; if he wins, he can take full credit for pulling victory from the jaws of pwnage.
STEP 10: POST A THREAD PRETENDING YOU MEANT ALL OF THIS TO HAPPEN
This is worth doing - as you do not have to be playing a PUG or be in the PUG channel to do it, you are at your least likely to get a ban.
==========
Feel free to try my program. Feedback will be ignored.
Anyway, follow my ten step program and you too could help solve the captain issue:
==========
STEP 1: BE A NOOB
This is not as easy as it sounds, and takes years of practice. Only after several years of relentless pwnage in UTA have I finally achieved true noobage.
STEP 2: SIGN WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING, YET USE YOUR REAL NICK
Again deceptively difficult, especially since you can get banned for having anything other than your precise name plus the PUG letter. Incidentally you can apparently also get banned for talking, thinking and existing - don't say you were not warned.
STEP 3: TALK LIMITLESS RUBBISH IN THE PUG CHANNEL
An important one, as it will lead to players who are not noobs not taking you seriously - this will stand you in good stead later on. I have also mastered this step, I think it's fair to say. Check logs for proof of this, assuming you are not currently banned.
STEP 4: CAPTAIN AFTER SEVERAL MINUTES OF INACTIVITY FROM EVERYONE ELSE
Easy to do, as no-one ever captains. All you really need is the will to reach for your keyboard, put uZi on ignore, and type !captain in the channel - sorted. Look out for bans while doing this step, as you can never really know for sure.
STEP 5: DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT YOU JUST CAPPED THROUGH USE OF RANDOMISED INSULTS
Pish simple, as the PUG channel is heaving with goons just begging to be defamed. Completing this step should, if done correctly, incite a gullible idiot to cap against you, thereby allowing the PUG to proceed inside twenty years - well below the normal limits.
STEP 6: INSIST THAT YOUR TEAM USES TEAMSPEAK IN ORDER TO HEAR YOUR TACTICS
This is critical - see STEP 7.
STEP 7: DO NOT USE TEAMSPEAK TO GIVE OUT TACTICS
Following on from STEP 6, this one is important because simply typing out your tactics will drive everyone on your team crazy, a crucial factor in this program.
STEP 8: DELIBERATELY MISTYPE ALL YOUR TACTICS THEN FAIL TO CORRECT THEM OVER TEAMSPEAK
This will rapidly lead to confusion among your already flummoxed teammates, especially since what few tactics you may have accidentally typed correctly will naturally be worthless anyway, as, assuming you completed STEP 1 earlier, you are a noob.
STEP 9: SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR SOME DIV 1 ARSE TO JUMP IN AND ASSUME COMMAND, DECLARING THAT YOU ARE A TOSSER / FOOL / NOOB AND THAT HIS TACTICS ARE BETTER / MUCH BETTER / NOT SHIT LIKE YOURS
This will generally happen no matter how many of the above steps you performed to get here, as PUGs are literally a symposium of skilled halfwaits flaming each other, unless they are banned, which they usually are. Simply allow this step to take its course, as this will lead to a win-win situation for the player who takes over. If he then loses the PUG he can say, with the aid of authentic irc logs, that he was not the captain; if he wins, he can take full credit for pulling victory from the jaws of pwnage.
STEP 10: POST A THREAD PRETENDING YOU MEANT ALL OF THIS TO HAPPEN
This is worth doing - as you do not have to be playing a PUG or be in the PUG channel to do it, you are at your least likely to get a ban.
==========
Feel free to try my program. Feedback will be ignored.
Class m8 
anthony
