Lets Have A Joke Thread

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it,and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.

The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"OK, agreed," the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship.

Furthermore, the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after THAT experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying

"1st Chinese torture test: 100 LB rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and
walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock is another sign saying

"2nd Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.

Outside the window is a third sign saying

"3rd Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
 
N1 slay

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about
 
A substitute teacher was called to teach the third grade. She was an avid horse race fan and it was the day of the derby. However, she needed the money and agreed to teach.

She thought about the race all morning, and as post time neared she decided it would be a good learning experience for the children to take them to the track. So she called the bus company and asked the driver to pick them up.

They arrived at the track about 30 minutes before post time. As soon as they got off the bus the children needed to go to the bathroom. She left the boys at the men's room and took the girls to the lady's room.

When she came back to get the boys, they told her the urinal trough was too high and they couldn't reach it. By this time it was 15 minutes until post time.

She asked if there were any men in restroom and they said no. She said, "Well, come on and I'll hold each of you up while you go." The boys lined up and she began to hold them up one by one.

After she had helped several, she picked up one who had an unusually large penis. She exclaimed, "My god, are you just in the third?" He calmly replied, "No ma'am, I'm also riding in the fifth.
 
An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks for old times sake.
He finds a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it, but needing some reassurance,
he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies,
"Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back!"
 
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "Really? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ah, damn. I think I know where my hearing aid is."
 
A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." A small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine," said the woman. "I've turned the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've developed these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
 
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!" he said. The drunk replied, " I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
 
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and
that
he
was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the
doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were
damaged
from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However,
he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing
to
take
the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an
elephant's
trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The
thought of
going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much
for
him
to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse
effect
on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his
newly
renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening
with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the
city.
However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the
pressure,
he
unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to
the
top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His
girlfriend
was
stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said:
"That was incredible.? Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he
replied:
"I think I can,...................but I'm not sure if I can fit another
roll
up my arse."
 
You know the feeling !
brittanica.jpg
 
A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.

She said "I can't believe you did this for me."

Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
 
there were three baby boys in their mothers womb,one day they were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up,the first said i want to be an electrician because we need the light to see, the second said i want to be a carpenter because we need our oun rooms, the third spoke up and said i want to be a wrestler, the other 2 said a wrestler now why a wrestler, the third spoke up and said i don't know about you 2 but i'm tired of that bald headed motherfuker coming in here and spitting on me
 
Little Mary was out with her grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs having sex on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"

"How do you mean?" asked the grandmother.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "and they screw you every time!"
 
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. Here" she said, "you must put it in here!"

Tarzan removed his loincloth...stepped closer with his huge manhood and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?!"

"Tarzan check for bees."
 
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