Jokes
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly deeply and
passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship,
until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears. "We can't see each
other anymore..", she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Declan. "Daddy says that
crabs are too common, " she wailed. "He claims you , a mere crab, and a
poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no
daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Declan was
shattered and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself into a
state of aquatic oblivion.
That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from
far and wide dancing and merry making, but the Lobster Princess refused to
join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly
the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all
stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from
his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across
the floor. All could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after
another! Step by step he made his approach toward the throne,
until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.
Finally the crab spoke:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> " F*ck, I'm p*ssed...."
passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship,
until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears. "We can't see each
other anymore..", she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Declan. "Daddy says that
crabs are too common, " she wailed. "He claims you , a mere crab, and a
poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no
daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Declan was
shattered and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself into a
state of aquatic oblivion.
That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from
far and wide dancing and merry making, but the Lobster Princess refused to
join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly
the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all
stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from
his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across
the floor. All could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after
another! Step by step he made his approach toward the throne,
until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.
Finally the crab spoke:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> " F*ck, I'm p*ssed...."
Golf Balls
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets
full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde
kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's
golf balls."
The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets
full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde
kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's
golf balls."
The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Go-Go Dancing
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the
first tee and the fourth went into the club house to take care
of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder,
and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for
free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend
a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an
entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of
taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just
talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances
in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued,
"I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be
doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand
new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the
first tee and the fourth went into the club house to take care
of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder,
and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for
free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend
a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an
entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of
taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just
talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances
in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued,
"I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be
doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand
new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Did You Ever Wonder Why...
1. A pizza arrives at your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
counter to get their prescriptions, while healthy people
can buy their cigarettes at the front.
3. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries...
and a Diet Coke.
4. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
5. We leave our cars, worth thousands of dollars, in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. We use answering machines to screen our calls, then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
8. We use the word politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures".
1. A pizza arrives at your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
counter to get their prescriptions, while healthy people
can buy their cigarettes at the front.
3. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries...
and a Diet Coke.
4. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
5. We leave our cars, worth thousands of dollars, in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. We use answering machines to screen our calls, then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
8. We use the word politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures".
Lost At Sea!
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse... Your call!
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse... Your call!
Vagina
"Dad,what does a vagina look like before sex?".
"well son,a pink rose with lovely soft petals and a perfumed aroma!".
"and after sex ,dad?".
"ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise son?".
"Dad,what does a vagina look like before sex?".
"well son,a pink rose with lovely soft petals and a perfumed aroma!".
"and after sex ,dad?".
"ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise son?".
Personal Ad
Real personal ad found in magazine.
* W A N T E D *
A tall woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs'
legs, who can stand a little fu-
ture fun at parties and froli-
cking without getting serious.
* Alternatively, just read lines 1, 3 and 5.
Real personal ad found in magazine.
* W A N T E D *
A tall woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs'
legs, who can stand a little fu-
ture fun at parties and froli-
cking without getting serious.
* Alternatively, just read lines 1, 3 and 5.
> > President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he
> > visits one of the classes.
> >
> > They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
> > meanings.
> >
> > The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in
> > the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
> >
> > So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
> >
> > One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives
> > next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him
>over,
> > that would be a tragedy."
> > "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
> >
> > A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
> > drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
> > "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a
> > GREAT LOSS."
> >
> > The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
> > searches the room.
> >
> > "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
> >
> > Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In
> > a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were
> > struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like
> > Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
> >
> > "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY
> > that would be a TRAGEDY?"
> >
> > "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
> > certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
> > visits one of the classes.
> >
> > They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
> > meanings.
> >
> > The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in
> > the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
> >
> > So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
> >
> > One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives
> > next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him
>over,
> > that would be a tragedy."
> > "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
> >
> > A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
> > drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
> > "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a
> > GREAT LOSS."
> >
> > The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush
> > searches the room.
> >
> > "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
> >
> > Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In
> > a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were
> > struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like
> > Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
> >
> > "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY
> > that would be a TRAGEDY?"
> >
> > "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
> > certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
omfg.W@R-CHILD said:damn i like jokes but not those long ones couse i read a lot @ school and don't want to read at home (exapt playboy than)
just post those short ones and than rofle like you never rofled before
rofl?
i can tell you about roffling....
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
10 things to do at someone else's house
1.Tell them you are going to the toilet and search in their rooms
2.never use their toilet you will be blamed for a floater!
3.never tell them that they should clean up before you arive they will forever insult you about it
4.turn the fridge upside down when they are not there and when they get there tell them you have to go.
5.if you break an ornement remember one thing
BLUE TACK FIXES EVERYTHING
6.offer to cook them dinner and then shout to them OH MY GOD YOUR FRIDGE IS UPSIDE DOWN!!!!
7.if you stay the night remember they will know you if have orderd for a porn site to be available
8.never take in a prostitute for the night they will know if they are or not.
9.take in a universal remote control and have some fun when they are watching tv.
10.invite the police round and tell them it's a strip club.
1.Tell them you are going to the toilet and search in their rooms
2.never use their toilet you will be blamed for a floater!
3.never tell them that they should clean up before you arive they will forever insult you about it
4.turn the fridge upside down when they are not there and when they get there tell them you have to go.
5.if you break an ornement remember one thing
BLUE TACK FIXES EVERYTHING
6.offer to cook them dinner and then shout to them OH MY GOD YOUR FRIDGE IS UPSIDE DOWN!!!!
7.if you stay the night remember they will know you if have orderd for a porn site to be available
8.never take in a prostitute for the night they will know if they are or not.
9.take in a universal remote control and have some fun when they are watching tv.
10.invite the police round and tell them it's a strip club.