dont you?
not?
OK then here they come
PENIS VAN LESBIAN
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV." (This was the early sixties.)
"By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian," again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it."
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
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NEW ACCOUNT
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account." To which the lady replies, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fucking checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said. "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account in this damn bank."
"I see, sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys who had died that day were waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter however realizes that heaven is getting pretty full and can only let in those who had bad deaths. Taking the first man aside he explains this to him. the man proceeds to tell his story:
"I was suspicious that my wife was cheating on me and so I came home early to catch her red-handed. However, no one was there with her when I came home so I figured he must have been hiding. I looked around everywhere to find him. Finally I saw a guy hanging by his fingers onto the veranda of our 25th story apartment room. I started yelling at him and stomping on his fingernails but he still hung on. Finally I got the hammer and after a couple of smacks he plunged to the ground. However, he managed to fall into a bush and did not die. So, I went into the kitchen and lifted the refrigerator onto the veranda tossing it over the veranda on top of him. Lifting the fridge combined with my anger caused me to have a heart-attack and die."
' It sounds like you had a rough time" said St. Peter, and he let him in.
Again St. Peter explained the situation to the second guy and he told his story:
"I was exercizing on my 26th story apartment building veranda , when suddenly I slipped and fell over. Luckily I managed to grasp on to the veranda railing of the floor below me. Suddenly I saw this man coming and I thought "Wow , I'm saved" but he started kicking me and then beat my fingers with a hammer. I couldn't take it any more and I fell. I thought my life was over but luckily I fell into a bush and was okay. But then a refrigerator came down on top of me and crushed me"
"Wow" said St.Peter ," that sounds pretty bad. St. Peter let him in.
Next was the third man and St. Peter explained again what he had said with the others. The third man began his story:
"Picture this," ,he began, "I'm naked inside this refrigerator..."
thats it for today children
not?
OK then here they come
PENIS VAN LESBIANA young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV." (This was the early sixties.)
"By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian," again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it."
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW ACCOUNT
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account." To which the lady replies, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fucking checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said. "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account in this damn bank."
"I see, sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys who had died that day were waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter however realizes that heaven is getting pretty full and can only let in those who had bad deaths. Taking the first man aside he explains this to him. the man proceeds to tell his story:
"I was suspicious that my wife was cheating on me and so I came home early to catch her red-handed. However, no one was there with her when I came home so I figured he must have been hiding. I looked around everywhere to find him. Finally I saw a guy hanging by his fingers onto the veranda of our 25th story apartment room. I started yelling at him and stomping on his fingernails but he still hung on. Finally I got the hammer and after a couple of smacks he plunged to the ground. However, he managed to fall into a bush and did not die. So, I went into the kitchen and lifted the refrigerator onto the veranda tossing it over the veranda on top of him. Lifting the fridge combined with my anger caused me to have a heart-attack and die."
' It sounds like you had a rough time" said St. Peter, and he let him in.
Again St. Peter explained the situation to the second guy and he told his story:
"I was exercizing on my 26th story apartment building veranda , when suddenly I slipped and fell over. Luckily I managed to grasp on to the veranda railing of the floor below me. Suddenly I saw this man coming and I thought "Wow , I'm saved" but he started kicking me and then beat my fingers with a hammer. I couldn't take it any more and I fell. I thought my life was over but luckily I fell into a bush and was okay. But then a refrigerator came down on top of me and crushed me"
"Wow" said St.Peter ," that sounds pretty bad. St. Peter let him in.
Next was the third man and St. Peter explained again what he had said with the others. The third man began his story:
"Picture this," ,he began, "I'm naked inside this refrigerator..."
thats it for today children
