12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more suprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Aberdine
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Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next?
All my love,
Aberdine
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Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! they are just darling, but I must insist, you have been to kind.
Love Aberdine
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Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful l, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Aberdine
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Dear John, What a surprise! Today the post- man delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All My love Aberdine
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Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially, Aberdine
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John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already.
Sincerely,
Aberdine
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Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just
lay off, smart-ass!
Aberdine
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Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 Pipers Piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbours have started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours...
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
You rotten prick! Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night long with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it.
Venomously,
Aberdine
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Listen F---head: What's with the 11 Lords a-Leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, viscous, swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Aberdine
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Dear sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 Fiddlers Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole Attorneys at Law
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ADULT REPORT CARD
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
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BOBBI McCAUGHEY'S PROBLEM?
Four expectant fathers were in a Des Moines, Iowa hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man exclaims. "I play baseball for the Minnesota Twins!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a distributor for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point the fourth man, Kenny McCaughey, faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up!"
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LOFTY BET
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the court below. The Queen says surreptitiously to the Pope, "I’ll bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
"Watch this," the Queen says.
The Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd starts cheering and waving their little plastic Union Jacks, basically going nuts.
Now the Pontiff is thinking to himself, "Uh-oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd pull it off."
So he ponders for a moment and then turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen says, "No way. It can't be done."
So the Pope head-butts her.
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LITTLE JOHNNY HAD A BUTT BET, TOO...
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. This did not seem to trouble the teacher, who assured the father that she had handled many such problems before and was very capable of handling Johnny's gambling urge.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Everything is going just fine," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more suprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next?
All my love,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! they are just darling, but I must insist, you have been to kind.
Love Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful l, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Dear John, What a surprise! Today the post- man delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All My love Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially, Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already.
Sincerely,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just
lay off, smart-ass!
Aberdine
--------------------------------------------------
Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 Pipers Piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbours have started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours...
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
You rotten prick! Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night long with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it.
Venomously,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Listen F---head: What's with the 11 Lords a-Leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, viscous, swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Aberdine
------------------------------------------------------
Dear sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 Fiddlers Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole Attorneys at Law
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADULT REPORT CARD
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOBBI McCAUGHEY'S PROBLEM?
Four expectant fathers were in a Des Moines, Iowa hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man exclaims. "I play baseball for the Minnesota Twins!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a distributor for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point the fourth man, Kenny McCaughey, faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOFTY BET
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the court below. The Queen says surreptitiously to the Pope, "I’ll bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
"Watch this," the Queen says.
The Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd starts cheering and waving their little plastic Union Jacks, basically going nuts.
Now the Pontiff is thinking to himself, "Uh-oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd pull it off."
So he ponders for a moment and then turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen says, "No way. It can't be done."
So the Pope head-butts her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LITTLE JOHNNY HAD A BUTT BET, TOO...
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. This did not seem to trouble the teacher, who assured the father that she had handled many such problems before and was very capable of handling Johnny's gambling urge.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Everything is going just fine," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
