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Lets Have A Joke Thread

Discussion in '=]DoG[= General' started by Ðeadßoy, Jul 2, 2002.

  1. Ulv

    Ulv League Administrator & Pastafarian

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  2. Quasi^

    Quasi^ Me.

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    My wife has been missing for a week now. Police said prepare for the worst.

    So i have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
     
  3. Cyborg

    Cyborg I am the liquor

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  4. Vitz¥^

    Vitz¥^ =]死か栄光[=

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    Stammerers Action Group

    In the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.

    She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

    Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said

    "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born

    I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.

    So, who wants to go first?" The Englishman piped up.

    "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

    "That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's
    next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out

    "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

    “That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

    “How about you, Paddy?”

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted
    out London ."

    “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and
    immediately set about living up to her promise.

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple
    paused for breath and Paddy said

    "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
     
  5. Ulv

    Ulv League Administrator & Pastafarian

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  6. Ðeadßoy

    Ðeadßoy Son!c Reducer

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    Bill and his wife Blanche went for a treat every year, And every year Bill would say,

    " Blanche, I'd like to ride in a helicopter "

    Blanche always replied,

    " I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is £75.00,and £75.00 is £75.00! "

    One year Bill and Blanche went to the local airport, and Bill said,

    " Blanche, I'm 75 years old.If I don't ride in a helicopter, I might never get another chance "

    To this, Blanche replied,

    " Bill that helicopter ride is £75.00, and £75.00 is £75.00 "

    The pilot overheard the couple and said,

    " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!But if you say one word it's £75.00. "

    Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

    The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

    He did his daredevil tricks,

    but still not a word...

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

    "K'in Hell , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

    Bill replied,


    " Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know,

    £75.00 is £75.00! "
     
  7. Quasi^

    Quasi^ Me.

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  8. Sullen_Scrota

    Sullen_Scrota Administrator

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    Shamelessly stolen from another forum......

    Sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
    I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
    but she did.


    The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
    Talk about Dyson with death.


    I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
    They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
    Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


    What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
    One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.


    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
    She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.


    I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied
    it's me talking to the beer.


    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


    A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
    I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

    I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

    -----------------------------------------------

    I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

    Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.



    ---------------------------------------

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
    killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
    She said “Don’t get f*&()^%g lippy”
    I said “Mascara it is then!”

    --------------------------------------------------

    I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

    I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

    -------------------------------------------

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

    ----------------------------------

    Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s burning my bum”.

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------
     
  9. Quasi^

    Quasi^ Me.

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  10. Quasi^

    Quasi^ Me.

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    Some people think that it's funny to make jokes about dead people...

    iDon't.
     
  11. seas_

    seas_ New Member

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    why did god create women?

    to carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
     
  12. Cyborg

    Cyborg I am the liquor

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  13. Quasi^

    Quasi^ Me.

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    Old one so FU :P

    A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers.

    The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."

    The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.

    The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodngiht mommy, and goodbye daddy."

    The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.

    He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!
     
  14. /\/uts

    /\/uts harhar:)

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  15. Quasi^

    Quasi^ Me.

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    A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

    The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

    Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

    Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

    Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that.
     
  16. Quasi^

    Quasi^ Me.

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    The Man Rules
    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



    These are our rules!
    Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
    ON PURPOSE!


    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.< /P>


    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.


    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
     
  17. Sullen_Scrota

    Sullen_Scrota Administrator

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    Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
     
  18. Sullen_Scrota

    Sullen_Scrota Administrator

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    I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it
     
  19. Sullen_Scrota

    Sullen_Scrota Administrator

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    I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.
     
  20. Sullen_Scrota

    Sullen_Scrota Administrator

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    A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'