Shamelessly stolen from another forum......
Sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied
it's me talking to the beer.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.
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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
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Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get f*&()^%g lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.
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Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?” He said “ No….it’s burning my bum”.
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You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.
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