Lets Have A Joke Thread

  • Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!

    Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.

Status
Not open for further replies.
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
Dictionary for understanding the meaning of the words in Personal Ads.

WOMEN'S ADS
40ish = 49
Adventurer = She would sleep with all your friends
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = She has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful = Pathological Liar
Contagious Smile = She does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated = She banged all her professors, while in college
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat Ball Buster
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship First = She's trying to live down her reputation as a slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New Age = She has lots of body hair
Old Fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only, that's it!
Open Minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy Drunk
Poetic = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Certified Bitch
Redhead = Color changes with the seasons
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Social = She has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportionate with Height = Hugely Fat; She's as tall as you are wide
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker
Widow = She drove first husband to suicide
Young at Heart = Old Bag; She's probably as old as your Mother

MEN'S ADS
40ish = 52 and looking for 25 year old
Athletic = He watches a lot of sports on television
Average looking = He has unusual bodily hair growths
Educated = He thinks he's a know it all
Free Spirit = Banging your sister is also on his agenda
Friendship First = As long as friendship involves sex!
Fun = Drunk Daily
Good looking = Arrogant
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight; He has more body hair than a bear
Likes to Cuddle = Insecure Mama's Boy
Mature = He's older than your father
Open Minded = He wants to sleep with you, and all your girlfriends, too
Physically Fit = He masturbates frequently
Poetic = He wrote a raunchy riddle about his ex-girlfriend on a bathroom stall
Sensitive = When you annoy him, he won't hit you too hard!
Very sensitive = Gay
Spiritual = He got laid in a cemetery once
Stable = He was arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful = He says "Excuse Me" when he farts
 

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return
in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor
says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give
me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The
doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want
a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead
if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The
next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring
that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already
know that, but what can I do? My American doctor
wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid
Amelican docta,always want to opelate. Make more
money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor,
"You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save
money"
 
Did you know....


it is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

it is physically impossible for pigs to look up at the sky.

a pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

over 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

in every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

a ducks quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

23% of photocopier faults are caused by people sitting on them and trying to photocopy their arse.

3 out of 4 people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
 
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes...

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."


old i know but hey...
 
In school one day, the teacher decided that ...

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
 
There is this old couple and they have been ...

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear.
She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.

She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"

The husban replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."
 
A woman wearing a strapless gown and ...

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane as the locket sees a young man staring at her at length during a party.
After the party the woman asks: "Wear you admiring my airplane?"

Man:"No, I was admiring the landing field."
 
An airline's passenger cabin was being ...

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. TRAY UP BI-ATCH!
 
There was a young girl who loved to wear ...

There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school.
One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.

She climbed the pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could clearly see her underpants.

When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.

Of course the little girl didn't believe her mom and the next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her underpants and laughed.

When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. She told her, "They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole again your grounded!"

The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more goodies, so up the pole she went.

When she came home she told her mother what she got for climbing the pole and her mother went ape. "I told you they only wanted to see your underpants!" she raged.

"But mommy", the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any."
 
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend.



It was After Eight.



She was from Quality St and he was a Fisherman's Friend.



On the way they stopped at the Yorkie bar for a Wine Gum, he asked her name.



I'm Polo she replied, the one with the hole.



But I'm the one with the nuts he thought and touched her Milky Way.



On arrival at the hotel they went straight to the bedroom.



Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.



It was not long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker.



Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.



But Ms Rowntree already had a few Jelly Babies so instead she guided him down her Bournville Boulevard.



He was happy, as he had always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging.



It was a Magic Moment of Turkish Delight.



When he came out his fun sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.



She wanted more but he called Time Out.



However he noticed her Pink Wafers and gave a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip.



Afterwards she gave him a Gobstopper.



Sadly after returning home to his wife named Caramel, Mr Cadbury found a Flake on his Galaxy Bar, he had caught VD.



It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Allsorts and had a box of Assorted Creams.
 
1 4 Missy

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.

When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
 
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which his father matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He then looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?" His dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy, who then notices a six pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men, son," his dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a pack of twelve condoms.

Sighing heavily, his dad explains, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.....""
 
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".
 
One year, a nice man decided to buy his wife a different gift for christmas. He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her. The wife thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes.

So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time.

When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom
Back