Lets Have A Joke Thread

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A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around.

In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

He asks the leprechaun what is going on.

"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."

"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"

"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."

"And them out there?" asks the guy,

"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."
 
There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.'' One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said,
''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.

One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.
 
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?"

"Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with."
 
An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."
 
James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"
Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.

James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"

Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"
 
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist

The gynecologist says, "I must say, this is the cleanest vagina I've seen in ages."

"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in three times a week."
 
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor, "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.

At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren.

He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.

A multitude of sperm swim behind him.

He knows he has to arrive first.

When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.

He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball,

He smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a tonsil."
 
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
 
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

umm wud any woman turn that down???
 
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick
 
A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.
The frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?"

The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.

The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."
 
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
 
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."
 
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
 
Ways to Let Someone Know Their Fly is Open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts
 
There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.
One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.
Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is:
"Guys get in trouble over missed periods."
 
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees it.
One night, when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner, he decides he will show her.

The man unzips his pants, whips out his small penis, and puts it into her hand.

He sits there, impatiently, waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don’t smoke.”
 
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