Lets Have A Joke Thread
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Hey - turns out IRC is out and something a little more modern has taken it's place... A little thing called Discord!
Join our community @ https://discord.gg/JuaSzXBZrk for a pick-up game, or just to rekindle with fellow community members.
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when a wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Georgia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with black hair, a photographer. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle.
He unbuttoned his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped....
Then, he spoke, 'Here, iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Georgia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with black hair, a photographer. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle.
He unbuttoned his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped....
Then, he spoke, 'Here, iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table,
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.
____________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table,
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends,they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?'
Urged on by their friends,they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?'
A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."
"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance ?" he asked.
Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance ?" he asked.
Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though,' the mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily. 'He had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr, too,' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me,' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.
'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though,' the mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily. 'He had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr, too,' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me,' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.
'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
Tommy Cooper classics
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks..
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf..
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks..
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf..
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'