Lets Have A Joke Thread

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Ðeadßoy

Son!c Reducer
Apr 9, 2002
14,742
113
Dead End Street
this should be a laugh u cant post without a joke in this thread

K ill start


The Test
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
 
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comon ffs noone got any jokes ?

Golf Injury
A couple of women were playing golf one Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, ooooh, noooo, I'll be all right. I will be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. She loosened his pants and put her hands inside. After a short massage, she asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
 
k youll soon get hang of this:P


Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.

One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull having sex with one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."
 
what not 1 joke between all of you:rolleyes:


This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"
 
a woman walked into a bar
and asked the barman for a double entrendre

so he gave her one:naughty:

lo DARK btw :wave:
 
:rofl:

hope you can understand this one, afraid it's kinda DaRk un ur heads and all...

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work

today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs

hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I

really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and

tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can

go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow

calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work

soon. You got nice house."
 
lo slim aka blackpanther :wave: welcome to our forum

@jwer :rofl: i got it m8

2days offering:


Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day.

They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon.

They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler not wearing any panties.

She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
 
k this ones 4 star:D


A shipwrecked man was barely surviving after four months on a deserted island, when one day on the beach, a gorgeous woman rowed up to the shore. "I've been on the other side of the island since my cruise ship sank," she told him.

"At least you had a rowboat wash up with you," he said.

"Oh, I made that out of palm branches and coconut trees." She explained.

"With no tools?" He asked incredulously.

"It was a simple matter of heating an unusual type of rock I found to a certain temperature in my kiln, then melting that into a forgeable iron to make the hardware." She told him. "Do you want to come see my treehouse?"

Well, did he ever! This woman had an amazing fortress, and she cooked him a delicious five-course dinner in her handmade cookware.

After dinner, she went to slip into something comfortable and came back wearing almost nothing. She gazed into his eyes and said, "We've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you want to do right now, something you've been longing for all of these months. I think you know what I mean." He couldn't believe his luck.

"You mean..." He was almost speechless. "u got a computer so i can play ut"
 
A man take his pet rottweiller to the vets cause it has cross eyes

Man: My dog has cross eyes

Vet: Let me have a look..*Picks up the dog*

Man: Is he gonna be okay???

Vet: Im gonna have to put him down

Man: CAUSE HE HAS CROSS EYES?????

Vet:...No he's Fu*king Heavy


:P
 
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had
curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his bed lamp on
to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his
wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a short
while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her
husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any
further. She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your
clothes off? Get dressed again!!!".

The wife replied: "Well, you were playing with my pussy. I thought
it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "No, not at all, you've got the wrong end of the
stick."

The wife then asked: "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"Oh," he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the
pages in my book"
 
Steven married a virgin. On their wedding night, he couldn't
wait to take her cherry, especially after having waited
patiently through such a long engagement, utterly void of any
slap and tickle. He stripped off, jumped into bed enthusiastically,
and began groping her.

"Steven," she said, "I expect you to have impeccable manners in bed
- just as I have taught you about the importance of observing
correct etiquette at the dinner table."

Steven sat up straight, folded his hands in his lap, and said,
"Is this any better?"

"Oh, much better," she said.

"Good," he said. "Now, might I, if you would be so kind, possibly
request that you kindly pass the pussy?"
 
On a Transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular starts to lose it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young
to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I
want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of
sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well, I’ve
had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
“I can make you feel like a woman,”
he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair
and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest
as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the
trembling woman.

Then he whispers, “Iron this.”
 
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.
"You're bad news, now just f*ck off."
 
thats it we're getting the hang of this now:D

@Protocol had a giggle thx :rofl:

@star hope ur feelin better m8


A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
 
:lol:
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads: Cheese Sandwich £1.50, Chicken Sandwich £2.50,
Hand Job £10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three
exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she
enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering",
whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes",
she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a cheese
sandwich!"
 
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''