Crabs

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It's A Small World
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
------
Chemistry Class
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a
worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He
then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about
painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded
confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms

 

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> > A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a
> > small house.
> >
> > Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a
> > long gray beard.
> >
> > "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
> >
> > "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so
> > much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the
> > three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
> >
> > "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
> > well, and entered the house.
> >
> > Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
> > beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to
> > the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the
> > meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went
> > up to bed alone.
> >
> > During the night he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her
> > room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet
> > so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his
> > room, exhausted but happy.
> >
> > When he awoke, he felt a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he
> > saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese
> > Torture #1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he
> > thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have
> > much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the
> > window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another
> > note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
> > In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
> > close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
> > castration
> > he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards
> > the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese
> > Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
> >

 

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The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and
said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like
that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal
who would fire the teacher!
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10
times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number one, you
have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn't read your homework. And
number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed."
--------------
Endearments
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after
all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife
those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name
three years ago
------------
A Child's Mind
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle
he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between
bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his
hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the
time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and
more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
said, "I was just being the Ring Bear

 

[Protocol]

 

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Jealousy

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to
it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best
friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian"

At the Cemetery
A man was walking past a graveyard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphonys
playing backwards. He thought to himself "That's weird" and kept walking.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetery and heard another one
of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself, "Now that's
REALLY weird!" and kept going.
The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetery and
heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards. The man said "I can't take this any more!"
He walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!"
The caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."

 

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College Days
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to
weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination
was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not
on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor
for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically
as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student.
He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for
the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student,
who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who
was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in
his voice.
"Are You sure that you don't know WHO I am?!" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams,
stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
---------
Moving to Vegas
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!
----------------
The Happiest Day
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the
happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested
his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle, "that's exactly what I mean
---------------
The Best Patients
Three surgeons were discussing which types of patients they preferred
to operate on. Doctor Waters said, "I prefer librarians. All of their
organs are alphabetized."
Doctor Franklin replied, "I prefer mathematicians because all of their
organs are numbered."
Lastly, Doctor Zang responded, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless,
heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are
interchangeable
-------------------
Seventeen
One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at
the top of his lungs, "Seventeen! Seventeen!"
Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and
asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You
have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as loud
as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and
says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.
The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher.
Yell louder."
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than
normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a
rush. Seventeen! Seventeen!"
The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first
man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out
from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.
The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming,
"Eighteen! Eighteen!"